Trailing Stars (Trailing Stars #1)

Chapter 21

And I have one trailing star just in reach.

"I think I should still go," I say. No one hears me. I swallow and say in a louder voice, "I think I should go to Morgan's grave."

Hannah breaks off mid-sentence, her mouth agape as she looks at me. "What?"

I take a deep breath. "I think it's a good idea to go see Morgan's grave." I check the time on my phone. "There's just a little more than three hours before midnight. If we go now—"

"No."

Did she just say...? I blink and glance up. "What?"

Hannah stands, holding her hands out to me. "Mona, you've been doing so much better. Why would you want to reopen your wounds like this?"

I shove my phone back in my pocket. "Maybe because my wounds were never closed in the first place. Did you ever think of that? Did you ever think that maybe I wasn't doing or getting better?"

Hannah furrows her eyebrows, crossing the living room to me. "What do you mean?"

I grit my teeth. "I was acting better, but that didn't mean I was actually doing better." I glare at her. "If you even know the difference."

Hannah's eyes narrow. For a second, it's like she's eighteen and I'm eleven again. She's acting like she knows everything and expects me to follow her blindly. That's what I've been doing for the past few months, and I don't know if I can take the bullshit anymore.

"If you know the difference," I spit, "then why can't you see that making me come live with you and acting like everything I went through with Morgan didn't happen was a stupid idea? If I haven't been getting better these past few months, why would you think it'll work now?"

"Mona, come on." Hannah moves to put her hand on my shoulder. "Just calm down and listen to me."

I take a step back, holding my hands up to ward her off. "I've been listening to you for the past few months, and I can't deal with it anymore!" I start to list all the crap I put up with off my fingers. "Shutting up just to let you talk. Coming home right when you tell me to just so you don't worry no matter what I'm in the middle of. Having to tell you every single detail of every little thing I do, otherwise, it's oh-so-obvious that I'm doing something terrible." I glare at my sister, the heat unfurling more and more in my chest until it has to expand to the rest of my body like I'm a black hole consuming every single star around me. "It's such fucking bullshit, Hannah."

Hannah glares back at me. "Well, I'm sorry if I'm just trying to keep you safe."

I scoff. "Safe how? If you actually cared about me, you would've seen how miserable I've been this entire time. This is the one thing I've really asked you to do for me in the past year, and you won't let me go see Morgan's grave? On my birthday?"

"Maybe I would let you do more things if I actually trusted you!" I flinch, but if Hannah notices, she plows on anyway. "Maybe I wouldn't have to be so overprotective if you weren't so reckless and got Morgan killed!"

The moment the words are out of Hannah's mouth, it feels like the entire room freezes. In fact, it feels like everything inside me freezes. All the heat recedes back into my chest and closes up until all I feel is a chill. 

Looks like being a black hole runs in the family. So much so that Hannah must feel the chill, too, because she inhales sharply, covering her mouth with her hand.

"Hannah." Mom stands, her eyes dark.

I'm vaguely aware of Mom lecturing Hannah, but I don't process any of the words. It feels like I'm underwater right now. Knowing someone's saying something but not hearing any of the words. Everything around me is a blur, too. All I can really see are shapes, but the one thing that's more clear to me than anything else right now is the flickering star right in front of me, somehow surviving a collision between two black holes.

Still so close. Still trailing me. Still making me trail it.

I take a step back. Then another and another until I'm at the front door. I pause long enough to take in the scene. Mom and Dad are still telling Hannah off for what she said to me. There are tears in Hannah's eyes as she tries to explain herself. Kate is silent throughout it all, her eyes flickering between our parents and Hannah.

I slowly open the front door and step outside. The cold night air envelops me, snuffing out any residual heat inside me. It covers my mind and my senses in frost, and I don't realize I'm walking anywhere until I hear a bell behind me and someone calling my name. Even then, I almost keep walking, but someone grabs my shoulder and turns me around.

"Oh," I say when I see Nathan and Clara. "Hi."

They exchange glances. Nathan gently squeezes my shoulder. "Are you okay? What are you doing here?"

I gesture vaguely like I'm trying to find the right words. In the end, all I get out is, "The talk didn't go well..."

Clara frowns. "You mean they wouldn't take you to Morgan's grave?" Before I can respond, she asks, "Do you want us to take you?"

My head snaps to her. "Really?"

Nathan seems just as surprised by the suggestion, but a second later, he's smiling at Clara and then at me. "If you really want to, I can drive."

Clara laughs. "Well... even if you didn't want to, I'd make you get in the car."

I laugh, making Nathan's and Clara's expressions soften like they always do when I seem even remotely happy. I really love these two, and I don't know what I did to deserve them. But maybe I've done something right. And maybe that means I've grasped a couple of trailing stars. And there's a big one I still need to get tonight.

I nod. "Let's go."