Trailing Stars (Trailing Stars #1)

Chapter 21

I take back what I said. I don't think I have that much motivation to ask to go to Morgan's grave. I wake up shaking. Just thinking about saying anything related to Morgan to my parents makes me want to throw up, but it's December 31. I have until midnight. Even less than that if I want to make it to his grave before it's officially January 1.

The entire day, I sit on the couch in the living room with my journal, writing down my thoughts. Sometimes in poems. Sometimes in prose. I'd probably feel better about it if my sisters weren't glancing over my shoulder to see what I'm writing. Hannah doesn't comment on any of it, but Kate does, knowing what she knows.

"You're stupid," she says, looking down at the page. Around three in the afternoon, I stopped putting any real thought behind the words. Instead, I repeat the same three: just say it. "You're really stupid."

"Leave the birthday girl alone," Mom says, sitting on my other side.

Kate gives me a meaningful look. "It's not her birthday yet. Four more hours."

Mom nods. "Speaking of which..." She smiles at me. "Have you thought of what you wanted, Mona?"

I glance between Kate and Mom. Where Kate's eyes are filled with urgency, Mom's eyes are filled with anticipation. It feels like they're both holding their breaths for my answer, and it makes me feel like I can't breathe at all.

I stab myself with my pencil to jolt my body into functioning again. "Yeah, I've thought about it."

Mom's eyes light up and she leans toward me. "And what do you think right now?"

I look down at my journal. There's an entire page filled with "Just say it." My handwriting becomes more frantic the closer to the bottom of the page I get. But no matter how messy the handwriting is, the words glare up at me all the same.

I take a deep breath. "I—"

Hannah walks into the living room, and the words die in my throat. Kate gives me an exasperated look before she glares at Hannah. "Get out."

Hannah laughs. "It's my house. Why can't I be here?" Kate grumbles something incomprehensible, shooting me another urgent look. Hannah frowns, following her gaze to me. Her eyes narrow. "What are we talking about right now?"

Mom pats the seat on her other side. When Hannah sits, Mom explains, "Mona was just about to tell us what she wants for her birthday."

Hannah sits up. "Oh... Really?" I nod, and Hannah's expression goes blank. I can't pick up anything in her voice either. "Did you decide on something?"

I take a deep breath. "Well—" My phone rings, interrupting me. I fumble for it, feeling my mom and my sisters watching me. When I finally have it in my hands, I let out a breath at the sight of Nathan's name. "I'll be right back..."

I hear Kate sputter behind me. I shoot her a look to shut up. She returns it with her own incredulous look, shaking her head at me. I ignore it, turning back around. I sit on the stairs and take a deep breath before answering the phone.

"Hey," I say.

Not a second later, Nathan asks, "Are you okay?"

I shut my eyes and take a deep breath. "I was just about to tell my mom and sisters that I think I should go see Morgan's grave for my birthday."

"It's still a matter of thinking you should go and not wanting to? Knowing and feeling haven't aligned yet?"

I wrap an arm around my stomach. "It's getting there."

"At least it's progress. I'm sorry I called at a bad time. I'll—"

"Please don't hang up." It comes out in a rush, and Nathan goes quiet, background noise filling up his end of the line. It sounds like he's in Poems and Tales right now. I shut my eyes, feeling the heat creep up my neck to my face. In a quieter, slower voice, I say, "Sorry. I'm just nervous."