Trailing Stars (Trailing Stars #1)

Chapter 21

"So... um..." I swallow, looking down at my hands. "It's kind of the first birthday that I'm spending by myself." I risk a glance up. Mom and Dad nod at me, their expressions carefully neutral. I'll take it. I straighten, continuing to wring my hands. "And I was thinking that maybe I don't really have to spend it by myself just because I am by myself."

No one says anything. I guess I wasn't really clear about what I meant. I laugh nervously and glance down at my hands, interlacing them and pushing down until I feel an uncomfortable stretch. It feels a lot better to focus on that than my thudding heart and the stars blinding me right now.

I know the stars are right there for me to reach and grasp, but I don't think I realized just how hard it is to grab a star no matter how close it is. But all that matters is it is close, and I can reach out and grab it if I want to. And I think deep down, I really want to.

I take a deep breath and look up. Before I can lose my nerve, I blurt, "I think I want to go to Morgan's grave for my birthday. And I want to get there before it's midnight. Before it's officially my birthday."

The star brightens, blinding me for a second. Then all at once, it fades, leaving me with a thundering heart and my stomach tied in knots. I have the star in my hands, but that doesn't mean I really have it. I still need to actually get to Morgan's grave, and to get there...

My eyes flicker between my parents. They glance at each other, and it looks like the corners of their mouths start to turn upwards. I feel my own lips turn up into a smile. If they're happy, that means—

"I don't know if that's such a good idea."

I blink, turning to Hannah. "What?"

Instead of responding to me, she turns to our parents. "I think it's too soon for Mona to go see Morgan's grave."

Kate sputters. "What do you mean too soon? It's been months! And Mona didn't even go to Morgan's funeral!" I cringe at the reminder. Another thing to feel bad about. And another reason to make the star brighten and flicker in my hands, reminding me that I still don't quite have it in my grasp. "I think it's a great idea to go to Morgan's grave for Mona's birthday." Kate leans toward our parents. "Right, Mom? Dad?"

Dad nods, turning to smile at me. "I think we should go."

Hannah shakes her head, letting out an incredulous laugh. "But, Dad, you haven't seen Mona these past few months. I have. She's been getting better." Hannah lists off everything she sees as an improvement like not staying out too late, keeping my grades up, and staying out of trouble at school. "She didn't manage any of that when she was living with you guys. She was constantly reminded of Morgan there, so if she goes to see his grave, she might get worse again. I'm not saying she shouldn't go at all. I'm just saying maybe she should wait a little longer."

Kate scowls. "That makes zero sense, Hannah!"

Hannah turns to Kate, giving her a patient smile. "You'll see, Kate. This is for the best."

Kate's scowl deepens. "For who? Because it's not for Mona."

Hannah starts trying to explain to Kate again why I shouldn't go, but Kate shouts over her, saying Hannah doesn't have a good reason to keep me from going. My parents try to get them to stop, and the more they try, the more yelling there is on everyone's part. It doesn't do anything for my racing heart except make it beat faster. The only way to really ignore it is to recede into my thoughts, but that's not any better.

Everything Hannah said is true. I've been behaving more than I used to. A lot more. But I don't know if that's the same thing as getting better. Before I met Nathan and Clara, I just shut down. I didn't feel anything. I didn't even want to feel anything. I just went through the motions and did whatever kept Hannah from worrying about me. Maybe it kept her happy, but it didn't do anything for me except give me more trailing stars.