The Rule Book

Rules for being an EMT

Hello, you are now part of the emergency medical team. Again, I was able to dig up an old manual that may come in handy, more so then my own words. I have to advise that before you begin that if you value your soul and sanity then quit while your ahead. Not much can save you here, at this job. Now that's all, let the manual begin.

Good day, I am [REDACTED] here with the Emergency Response Medical Corps. First and foremost before we begin, it is of the upmost importance that you take yourself and this manual into a space where nobody and nothing else is. Preferably a small, lit room, with a lock. We cannot have others seeing this instructions guide as unfortunately there are many we cannot trust here in our little group. Now as you read, proceed with caution. This job as you may already know is not for the faint of heart. Therefore I would advise asking to resign now. That is all, enjoy your day and possibly the job.

1. The medical truck should always have the words '[REDACTED] COUNTY MEDICAL AND FIRST RESPONSE UNIT' written on the side in bold gold lettering. If it states otherwise, alert your team members at once and then come and tell your team leader. They will take care of it from there.

2. Occasionally we get a call from a women named Susan. If we get a call from Susan, put on your gloves, your goggles, and the black hazmat suit. Your team leader will give further instructions soon.

3. If your the driver, always hit the child standing in the road. That is not a child. That is not a human.

4. If your not the driver, keep your eyes trained on the road anyways. Look out for any anomalies but do not let them know you have seen them. If they know you saw, they will follow, and we'd rather not have find every single piece of you after this occurs.

5. Occasionally we will get a call from [REDACTED] who lives on greenwood blvd. Your only job there is to clean the lawn of any of the tar like substance. Put it into the special containers provided but by any means, do not allow the tar to touch your skin. If it does, alert your team leader immediately. Trust me a bullet to the skull is better then what you will turn in to.

6. If when you arrive and there is an angel standing above the person you are supposed to be treating, stab it. That is not an angel. Stab it and run. Do not look back. It doesn't just want your eyes, it wants your skin as well.

7. If you ever feel not at ease, come talk to a manager or team leader.

8. If the sky ever turns any of the following then do each thing immediately.

8.A. If the sky turns red, turn back around and go to the station immediately. Do not hit the figures in the road at this point in time.

8.B. If the sky has turned black, there is no escape. Say your silent goodbyes.

8.C. If the sky is white, you have failed to treat a patient. Cry as loudly as you can and beg for forgiveness.

8.D. If the sky is yellow, stop the truck and be completely silent. It is out hunting now.

9. If you ever get a call from someone who claims to work in the circus, go to the abandon building located on [REDACTED] but stay as far away as you can. Wait for further instructions.

10. If anything from work ever follows you home, it's best to end your life as quickly and efficiently as possible. I would usually not recommend self violence, but there isn't another way.

11. Never talk to your crew mates off shift. Everyone will... change.

12. Your team mates include, Garrison, Madison, Marcus, and your team leader Mr. Spades. If you ever need help or are unsure of what to do, ask Mr. Spades.

13. If you ever have a victim of the burn (specifically from their house burning) and they mention that their house burned down sooner or later then it actually did, alert your crew as quickly as possible and run. They are smart so you have to be careful when asking and how. These entities love the taste of human flesh and are quite convincing.

14. Everything you learned about medical you can almost always throw out the window. It won't apply here.

15. If you ever get a call to a seemingly empty park, go to the bench under the weeping willow and ask if anyone needs assistance. I know you will feel odd, but eventually you will see a yellow orb float away. That is when you may return to the truck.

16. Peel your skin off.

17. Carnem tuam volumus, quaeso, e plaustro tuo exi. :)

18. Fully disregard 16 and 17. We keep changing them back, yet they will always revert to what they are currently. Do not listen to them.

I hope you have a fantastic first day as an emt and I hope to see you soon.

Truly yours ~[REDACTED]

Hah I could never. Just imagine. Anyways that's all I have to say, enjoy your night

Yours truly ~[REDACTED]