WildFire

27

You had officially screwed up.

In your three years away from Kunimi–also known as Junior High–you had always thought about how when you saw him again, you wouldn't push him away. You wouldn't hurt him again, you had told yourself. And now, you were doing exactly that.

But after seeing how gently he hugged you, as if he could hurt you at the slightest push or shove, you couldn't stand it. You couldn't stop wanting to push him away when he looked at you like that: not the reassured, exasperated, confident, trusting look he gave you as a child, but the anxious, desperate, sad, indecisive look he gave now.

When you were younger, you believed in Kunimi. You cared about his feelings, but you were also confident in him–sure that he could manage himself because he was strong. But now, after you had seen that not-so-smug side of Kunimi, you weren't sure. You wanted to trust him, but your worried thoughts kept drifting to his hold around your waist, the way he held on so tightly, and the way he tried to shut out everything by burying his face in the crook of your neck.

He was scared.

And so were you.

He was trying to protect you by pulling you closer.

You were trying to do so by pushing him away.

The hurt expression on his face was so heartbreaking in the moment in the hallway. You had freaked out, your mind going blank the second you realized what you had about to say–or the few things that you wanted to say: I like you. I love you. I missed you. I want to be with you. I'm scared. Please don't leave.

"[Name]! What are you doing?" Coach Sato's voice–loud and clear–burst you out of your little worry bubble.

"She's in La-la land," Tsumugi joked from the other side of the gym, shooting you a grin. Alyssa, Pika, Etsuko, and Sumiko sniggered with amusement, obviously mistaking your 'worry' bubble for 'daydreaming' bubble.

"No, I'm not!" you protested, "What did I even do?"

Kairi glanced at Sumiko, who stared at you in astonishment.

"She doesn't even know!" Alyssa cracked up. She gestured weakly behind you, her body shaking with uncontrollable laughter. Her words burst into some English at the end, but you could unfortunately understand, "We're doing passing drills–starry-eyes-lover!"

Your face flamed with shame at the realization that you were so distracted by the thought of Kunimi, you missed what was going on in the volleyball club completely.

"Oh," you blurted, making Kairi smile with sympathy. You bowed in apology, trying to hide the red your cheeks were holding. "I'm sorry!"

"It's okay," she reassured with a gentle smile. "We all get our bad days."

Alyssa snorted. She didn't say anything, but the message was clear. The other members decided to ignore her, carrying on with the passing drill like usual.

You bumped it back to Ryouka with ease, though your heart wasn't really in it this time. You kept worrying, knowing you had hurt Kunimi. Why was having a friend so hard?

It had never been this hard when you were younger, back then you had felt no restrainment on what you had to say. If you wanted to insult someone, you did exactly that. Younger you could speak your opinions out with confidence, while current you didn't seem to be able to do anything without constant anxiety.

You did suppose you had always had too much pride, though.

Apologizing was too difficult for you, and oftentimes, even when you yourself knew you were wrong, your pride would force the apology back down your throat where it had come from.

There was a part of you that just always had to insist on being right.

You really hated that part of yourself. You wished you could stab it, over and over, until it disappeared–preferably with a body that you could admire.

"Hey, [Name]," Ryouka called, her brows furrowed.

"Yeah?" you replied, shifting your body to bump another incoming ball. It hit off the edge of your wrist, flying across the gym in an unfashionable way. You scowled, chasing after it.

"When did you start volleyball?" Ryouka inquired as you came back.

"Middle of junior high," you replied, sending the ball up into the air again. You pursed your lips, than added a little reluctantly, "I did play a little before though, but mostly because Kuni–no–a friend played and dragged me along."

Ryouka bumped the ball back, but the angle was wrong, and once again the volleyball went flying.

"Why?" you asked. "When did you start?"

Ryouka shied away, her voice almost a mumble before answering, "since my earlier elementary days."

Oh.

You couldn't figure out what to say after that, anything you might've said would make you a complete jerk. You could understand why Ryouka might be feeling down about it. She had started years before you, yet you were the one that got to make into the starting lineup.

You knew what she probably wanted to say: it's not fair.

"No wonder your sets are so good," you complimented, though it sounded strained even in your own ears. "They're so accurate. I wished I could set like that!"

Ryouka smiled sadly, "Still wasn't good enough for the starting lineup."

"You'll get there eventually," you encouraged, matching her smile. "I mean...look at Alyssa and Himari! They're second-years, and they're happy with not being in the starting lineup!"

You paused, wondering if that was insulting. "I-I mean, I'm confident that they'll be in it soon. Alyssa reminds me a lot of Sumiko–maybe she'll be the new team captain next year."

Ryouka giggled, "the terror."

Then her face transformed back to the sad smile she wore earlier, but her eyes now were twinkling with a new sort of spark. "I guess some people are different," she said. "Like you might be a better volleyball player than me now, but I'm going to catch up."

You grinned, "As if I'm going to let you."

"The point is," Ryouka continued, shooting you an amused glance. "I'm not going to give up on volleyball–no matter how angry or not-talented I am. I'm going to catch up one day and become one of the best setters–"

"Best," you stated confidently, catching Ryouka off guard. "Not one of the best–the best."

Ryouka smiled, "Of course."

The rest of the after-school activity went great. The drills were tiring as always, and the jokes were just as continuous. You were more than energized after that little pep-talk with Ryouka. Even though you were the one encouraging her, a part of you was taking the advice personally.

"Don't give up, huh?" you murmured under your breath, taking your bag over your shoulders. You clenched and unclenched your fists, feeling a new confidence take over you.

Maybe I won't give up on him.

That thought was completely shattered, when you bumped into Kunimi outside of the Gym.