Pippa's Passing

11. Heated Exchange

When you're a teenager you act like you've got it all figured out. You base your demeanour on every other teenager in your life and assume they have it all figured out so you have to act that way as well. What a crock!

 
When I was in high school I hadn't experienced anything until it happened to me for the first time. I had no previous knowledge to draw upon to make important decisions. I didn't know what being in a relationship was all about until I found myself in one and even then I still didn't know what the hell I was doing.

I had screwed up. That's all I really knew. I had ruined the only romantic relationship I had ever had. I had taken one of those firsts, falling in love with a girl the first time I saw her, and had built it up into a true connection only to tear it all down with deception.

I was sure that Pippa hated me. To her, I was now no one at all. I wasn't even in that middle I knew and where I had felt comfortable. I was lower than that. I was no one at all.

I had walked away from the avocado house that night with nothing in my step. I could barely walk let alone run. And why would I run? I had nothing to run toward or nothing to run for. I would only be running away from something and wherever things were heading, I wasn't in any hurry to get there.

I went home and was determined to hide in the safety of my room forever. I couldn't even do that. I felt trapped so I snuck out and walked around. I walked back up around the Texaco and across the road to the burger joint. I didn't stop anywhere or talk to anyone. Lights were out or went out as I walked.

I eventually found myself at the school and out by the track. I lay down on the gravel and stared up at the moon. Somewhere under the same moon, Pippa was fast asleep or crying herself to sleep or lying awake thinking of my betrayal.

I got up and started to walk the track. It was comforting because the track had been the location of some of my successes. I imagined Pippa off to the side with her guitar and playing and singing snatches from 'Follow That Dream.'

Well, you gotta follow that dream wherever that dream may lead
You gotta follow that dream to find the love you need

Keep a-movin, move along, keep a moving

Got to find me someone whose heart is free
Someone to look for my dream with me
And when I find her I may find out
Just what my dreams are all about

I had tried to follow that dream. I had pursued Pippa until I was red in the face...literally, from a slap. But hadn't I been her dream too? Hadn't she told me she knew she loved me after that slap? Hadn't she told me she never wanted to hurt me again and would lie or withhold the truth to that end? Why hadn't it worked for me? I had withheld the truth but I knew that wasn't right. I had told her the truth. Why wasn't I still her dream? I remembered back to my first meeting at the avocado house and she told me sometimes she dreamed of a brighter future but she didn't know how to get there. I had told her you gotta follow that dream. I knew I had also been the one to dash her dreams.

I began to run. All my instincts told me not to run. I had no reason to run. I ran regardless of any reason. The track stretched out before me where I knew the straight and true and what was around each corner. This was the only relationship I had now. Running was what I understood.

I don't know how long I ran. The night seemed long and time didn't move. I remember what Pippa had said when she had waited for me that evening. She had thought time had slowed down. That was how I was feeling as I ran laps that night. I was trapped in one loop of time that bore down on me and reminded me of how I had ruined the best thing that had ever happened to me.