'°☆ lupin comfort fic •°

☆.'°• I ; be a little kinder to yourself, will you? •°'.☆

i quite literally collapsed onto the sofa in lupin's office to which he led me. from exhaustion, but also from dizziness. my mind was still racing and my heart thumping; i could feel it hammering against my chest, as if it were trying to run away from the situation, so at least one of us would be safe from confrontation. lupin sat down next to me and lay his hand onto my shoulder.
"hey. breathe, okay?"
"i'm fine.", i pushed through gritted teeth, "i'm completely fine."
"i've already told you there's no use in trying to hide how you feel, i can tell."
i looked at him and felt tears creeping up in my eyes. tears of fear and guilt. i shut my eyes tightly and wiped them away with my trembling hands.
'must not let him see how weak you are.'
"now, what happened to your arm?"
i shook my head.
"will you let me see so i know bad it is?"
no reply.
"june?"
i gave in and gave him a tiny nod with my arm outstreched for him to roll back my sleeve. his warm hands were careful not to hurt me. he inhaled sharply when he saw my fresh wounds. i glanced at them too, dried blood was smudged all over my arm. lupin got up and disappeared from my field of vision. he came back with all sorts of things to take care of my wounds.
"i- you don't need to, really-"
"i insist.", he interrupted me and starting cleaning my arm with a wet towel. once it didn't look like a massacre anymore, he applied a funny smelling ointment before bandaging me up.
"there we go, you're all set."
"thank you...", i muttered.
after a minute of silence, he asked the question i was dreading.
"why?"
i looked him deep in the eye, searching for any malicious intent, but all i found was genuine concern and kindness. this time i wasn't able to conceal my tears, so i buried my face in my hands and wept like a child.
"i'm sorry, i'm so sorry."
"what are you apologising for?"
"everything, professor, i'm sorry."
"hey hey now, look at me.", i raised my head and he continued to speak, "you have absolutely nothing to apologise for, understood? just breathe with me, okay?"
for a few breaths, his breathing and mine sychronized.
"good job dear, good job. let's try to talk this out, okay?"
at the sight of my panic resurfacing, he placed his warm hand on my shoulder again.
"there's no need to panic, i promise. i know this probably feels scary, but i assure you that i won't judge, whatever it is that makes you feel like you need to hurt yourself, alright?", he said with tilted head and a reassuring, kind smile.
i nodded, looking down at my hands resting in my lap.
"so? mind telling me about what's happening in there?"
he lightly poked my forehead with his index finger.
"how do i start... where do i start?"
"for now, just tell me why it happened today."
"hum... well i'm pretty sure i messed up at least two of my tests this week, so i felt a little down and needed something to distract me. and on top of that you... noticed all of this, which means i've let my guard down. that...", i paused to take a deep breath to stop my voice from failing, "that wasn't supposed to happen. i keep messing up everything i do."
"what do you mean, you keep messing up?"
"you know, my academic performance is declining again, so i'm just disappointing everyone over and over anew. now you found out about this, which wasn't ever supposed to happen in the first place, but you're being so nice about it too... i don't understand why, why are you being so kind to me? i don't deserve it. i'm a walking disappointment, you should be upset with me like they were... merlin i'm sorry."
i pressed out the last words with much effort because i was on the verge of tears again.
"they?"
"my parents."
"your parents?", he seemed a little startled by my words, "your parents were upset with you because you hurt yourself?"
i nodded and couldn't hold it back anymore and started sobbing again.
"why am i never good enough, what am i doing wrong professor?"
"oh june..."
i looked at him through teary eyes and i felt my lips trembling under the weight of a heavy sob urging to be voiced.
"may i give you a hug?"
i nodded gratefully and collapsed into his warm embrace.
"it breaks my heart to hear you say all these things. i'm sorry your parents reacted like that when they found out you hurt yourself, their behaviour was most definitely not your fault, i can assure you that much. also, you're not a disappointment, june, what are you talking about? in fact i'm quite proud to have you in my class and i'm sure that goes for the other professors as well. but even out of class, it's okay to feel, you know? just because you're being vulnerable doesn't mean you're disappointing anyone. it's okay to feel, it's what makes us human."
"i don't deserve being told all these kind things, professor, i'm so sorry for inconveniencing you and-" i said through broken sobs, but lupin interrupted me.
"shhh. be a little kinder to yourself, will you? and quit the apologies, please, you really don't have anything to apologise for. here, eat this, you'll feel better.", he said and handed me a piece of chocolate.
"thank... you?", i sniffed a little confused, but grateful regardless.
i remained silent for a while after that and waited for my crying to die down. lupin's warm hug certainly helped quicken the process.
"will you tell anyone?", i asked as he released me from his arms.
he shook his head.
"not as long as i can trust you to come to me the next time you feel the need to hurt yourself. no matter what time of the day it is, just knock at the door, okay?"
"i'll try.", i said with a nod as i wiped my eyes with the back of my hand.
"i'm counting on you. let's get you back to the ravenclaw tower now, shall we?", he looked at his wristwatch, "it's getting dreadfully late."

"professor lupin? thank you for everything earlier. and... i'm sorry again.", i couldn't help but squeeze the apology behind.
"ah, sht! i said quit apologising. but you're more than welcome."
"i'm sor- nevermind."
lupin chuckled.
"you'll definitely have to work on that. now get some sleep kid, alright? goodnight, june."
"goodnight, professor.", i said as i disappeared into the ravenclaw common room.
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wc ; 2080
a/n ; the lupin comfort fics on here have been out-read by me so i was urged to start writing my own :) hope someone out there finds a little comfort in it as well :> ideas for further chapters into the comments please ! <3