The Story of 20s

20.1 The Concept of Family

And there we go, getting deeper with one of the trickiest relationship in history.

La familia. Ohana. Mi casa es su casa

Okay, the last part is just an added point.

Going into the world of 20s, when our brain is partly solidified and partly change-able, we look at our family relationship kinda differently. No matter how much we don't want to admit, the dynamic we had on our relationship does have an impact on us, especially when you have given the thoughts to actually look right into it. The way our parents treats us can change our whole relationship with others. As the young generation or perhaps the seminar you always have when you go into college, you'll be familiar with terms "agents of change", but in order to be the way that people expect us to be (actually, you don't have to live with other people's expectation), you have to go face-to-face with who you are right now and who you truly want to be.

Talking about this right at the beginning of my book is not easy, i suppose this is a pretty hard to deal with anyone. I would like to say that, every parents is different. The reason why i said that family is one of the trickiest relationship in history like i said before, because you kinda born with it, it's the people you deal with right when you cried at your first day alive in hospital. Unfortunately, not everyone is given the easy time to deal with their family. Which is why despite of how close you are to someone, it will be hard to gave a wide and deep understanding about our own family, the same goes for other people or our significant other to explain theirs, because every parents is different. And i am a no believer to the sentence that states that despite it all, they are still your family, that does not applicable to anyone and i believe that whoever states to someone that is having a family problems before knowing the full story, have no sincerity at all.

Let's just admit one thing first and i'll tell mine first : I am not an easy child to deal with.

Going right through my teenager phase, of course I went for the kind of attitude where I want everything to be exactly my way and went through a lot of problems. This rebellious side of me was getting out of hand, even now i can still get second-hand embarassment for remembering any part of it. There's this part of me that just want to get out and being free, which i am not getting because all of the strict rules, and i'll tell you at the end how i feel about it now. But i would never change that phase of who i am even for a second, because it does makes me have a little bit of taste of the way that I used to be and now that i know and have experienced at least the taste of that feelings, it makes me feel somehow immune about all things.

Yeah, it's weird. People used to call me an extrovert, hangin out here and there. Which is why going to college on a different country and learning more about yourself and what you really enjoy, it's hard to explain to my school friends that it's just not what I want to do right now. At first I'm like "am I not fun anymore? Does people want to stick around with who I am right now?" All I want to do now? I would love to socialize with a schedule where I can meet my friends (different people or the same people idc) for two weekends and the other weekends I can spend it on my own or with my family, basically not going out at all.

Which is why, turning into 20s and having this global pandemic that forbid us to go out, i feel nothing. At times yes i do miss hanging out with my friends but going into pandemic, making me realize i am more frustated to have the time and space on my own outside rather than have something to do with my friends outside. More aching to have an adventure and going to places rather than just going out with my friends (Well yeah at some adventure it will be with friends but that beside the points). One of the hardest thing that i have to accept is the space that i don't have and i know it felt incredibly ungrateful especially when life is precious to others, that's why pandemic is my critical point that change my own concept of family. I don't think i'll ever be able to change the way i look at my parents and siblings if i am not being pushed to not having space and basically going for an escape. And even at the end, some of my beloved friends have to accept that sometimes I do enjoy my time being alone, it's not that I don't want to hang out but getting through college, working, and other type of situations, going alone first before meeting any of them will make me feel energized and not overwhelmed.

Okay, let's get back on track

How do i see my family before ? Blood related relatives that live in the same house, we love each other and we have to take care our parents and siblings forever. That's it. God do i hate myself for admitting that i used to see them that way. For the sake of being honest, i have to admit that i've been into that state of perspective. I always see parents as "parents", you know? As in like a different status as us, human beings. As if there's other human kind that's called "parents". I've put a lot of my expectation to be understood because I see them as someone so perfect they should be able to make me happy. Until i grew up, I used to expect the more "adult" we are the more we're kinda mastered the art of being good.

Oh boy, jokes on me.

I realized that being an adult takes so much responsibility yet especially the younger we are into that part of growing up, we realize that we know nothing and want others to expect nothing from us because we're scared yet this is the part we've been waiting for since we were a kid. We are incredibly stupid and just jumping around testing the waters, going around asking the other adults how they go through live meanwhile the adults that answered is also trying to fake it till they're make it.

"I can't wait to be an adult and have my own money and my own home"

That's funny, younger parts of us, now please do the jobseeking and getting through jobs day after day for us.

"I can't wait to have a little family of my own where we love each other and won't be like how my parents treat me"

At some points, some of us do think that way. To have a family of their own and expecting creating a family that loves us and we'll be together forever that easily. With all the love and you won't do anything like our parents did before.

That thoughts stuck in me until I realize, every parents in this world could be having the same thoughts. Every generation wants to be better for our children, every generation will be selective for parts they want to apply in their househould. At that point all of those expectation that I have just went down the drain. Because now I see my parents as a human being. Being a parents doesn't mean they have to be the perfect one for their family, they have to be a good example for their kids, and they're trying their best. The way that our 20s where we want to be understood, the way that we don't want to be recognize and remember for our mistakes, and somehow being a parents they expect you to magically be better and perfect (Do remember that some of us getting married still in their 20s).

Of course they're gonna make mistakes, they're going for a route that they think will be better for us, the route that they think not working for them before so they're trying to think a better way. When for us, that's not actually working for us so we're trying to make a solution for the future, and the cycle goes on.

And that's also why, every parents is different even in the same household.

Because we learn, our parents learn, the more they grow the more they know what should and should not do to their children. Of course, for the basic safety and hygiene that's a must for them in the beginning and basically all the basic 101 for having a baby. But what I'm talking about is the way they grew us up. Because like all of us humans, we learn something. The more we grow up the more lessons we take, the more choices we can make yet we have to take it step by step and just go with it. Accept all the consequences and be better, and for them, they be better for us.

Another disclaimer to put on, I will not say the way that I think should be the same for us because the level of discomfort, the level of trauma and things that a parents can put us to go through, the level of relationship we have with our family is completely different. I am aware that some of us have to be the bigger person even when we don't get a chance to grow up first. Being aware that some of our parents doesn't even there, or when it goes to physical and other abuse, that is outside of what I talk about. It'll never applicable for the way that I feel. And it's different, and I hope all of you out there doesn't treat every story about family as the same one.

Which is why, now I love them as a human beings. Every mistakes they made for me, was made out of love and how they are lost and confused on their own, just as the same of how I am lost and confused now. My teenager phase won't understand that part even a little bit but for now it all kinda make sense for me. They're trying to be perfect even when we all know there's no such a thing like that. I love my parents in a whole another level, for every mistakes they'll ever make, for every flaws they have and trying to cover from me, for trying to give me something they might never have before, for every savings they put me first even though they might have not reach they dream yet.

You're not perfect and you will never be and I will always love you for that.