𝙨𝙖𝙥𝙥𝙝𝙞𝙘 𝙨𝙢𝙪𝙩

I will always love you more than him

"Does he know?"

"Does who know what?" she asked back.

"Paul... does he know about us?" you asked her directly, making it nearly impossible for her to misunderstand the meaning of your words.

"No," she mumbled. "And he's not going to either," she went on, tucking your hair behind your ear in a delicate manner.

It was too harsh sounding to be reassurance, making it seem more like a threat.

You became silent. Guilt washed over you as you both sat in silence, looking at each other.

It had all started in a hotel.

Just one night, sharing the same room.

You both swore it would stay between the two of you, never repeated or mentioned ever again. It had been a mistake. A mistake you both kept making.

"I love you," she whispered out, and her face immediately changed.

She hadn't meant to say it. It was like she put salt in the wound.

It was obvious that she regretted saying it, but she couldn't take it back.

Her words, the truth about her feelings had already slipped past her pretty lips.

"Leave him."

"I can't," she quietly said. "You know that I can't," she went on only to avoid complete silence in the room.

"But I do love you," she once again stated, then placed a kiss on your cheek.

It was unclear if she repeated it to hurt you or if she wanted to convince you, only adding insult to injury.

"You're my favorite person in the world..." she said as you stayed silent.

What were you supposed to say back?

She had already said she wouldn't leave him. No words you could come up with could change her mind. She was stubborn, and you both knew it.

"I promise that I will always love you more than him."

Her words echoed in your head, you weren't sure if it were the drugs or if you were losing your mind.

Then she kissed your hand to prove her so-called love that she had for you.

But still it was like she hadn't decided, about taking or leaving you.

"I can't leave him now," she quietly said while gazing at the floor.

"But I will, soon," she followed up. That was a white lie she told to soothe the pain.

It felt good to hear it, but you knew she hadn't meant it. She would never mean it.

"I've heard that one before... but we never break bad habits," you said and laughed.

"Yeah, like when I say I'm stoned for the last time, I do it again and repeat," she said, laughing with you.

"I don't think I'll ever be able to stop doing this," you admitted, avoiding her eyes.

"What do you mean?" she asked, and you felt her stare.

"Getting high and... doing dumb shit with you," you said, instead of saying what you really meant.

"Right..." she said lowly. She knew you had lied. After all, you knew each other too well. But it was only fair, she had lied to you just seconds ago.

"You know, I hate that I love you, right?" you said shortly after, regretting it, just as she had done after admitting her love for you.

"Why?" she asked, slightly taken aback.