I'm Not Yours To Mate

Chapter One

They say that the void one feels can never be filled. This sorrow and desperation of wanting to be needed engulfs me; yet I want to be loved and cared for. Honestly, all I see is emptiness. Darkness. Nothingness... I don't want to be here... I don't want to be anywhere. I just want to become nothing. Contradicting huh? I think so too. All of these emotions bubble up inside me every night. In my past self, my life was pitiful; nothing but the punch line of someone's shitty joke. I often see glimpses of what I used to be. Sometimes it is hard for me to tell the difference; I can feel all the feelings I used to keep deep inside me. All the words I could never say, just lingering on the tip of my tongue; too afraid to say the right or wrong thing.

Not everyone went through what I went through and vice versa. It was my hell; at least it was the only thing that I could call mine. It wasn't all just hell; it was sometimes... bearable. Although I wanted to be nothing, I envied those that could at least fake being happy. My heart still aches for my past self because she is me and I am her. We are one. We are still fucked up in the head. Always have been. In a way that made people associate me with the word "freak". It didn't really hurt my feelings; I was used to it. Or maybe it did, I mean words just became so numbing as I became older that it became hard to tell. I'll tell you this though, nothing anyone ever says can be more hurtful than what I am telling myself.

I wish I could tell you that I at least had some integrity, dignity, and self-respect. Come on! If you were smart enough you could have figured out way before now that I do not have any of those things. Not that I am trying to insult you... or maybe I am. I don't know. Tonight is one of those nights, where I get hit on the face with another "I feel sorry for myself, I am a victim, I should end my life" memory and or feeling. But like always I'm too fucking scared to do anything about it. You might be thinking "Bitch, fuck you just kill yourself" or you might be bawling your eyes out at this shitty monologue. Then again, I'm not you. You could be thinking something totally different whether terrible or wholesome. One thing I do know though, is here I am in the darkness of my own room suffering from my own pain in this life and my past life, all hitting me at once. I am too overwhelmed. So I will just lay here, in the comfort of my own loneliness... Wish me luck.

******

I woke up to the sound of my alarm, signaling it was time for me to get up. Although I was an early bird, I still dreaded getting up just to be tormented by the other members of my pack. I slid off my bed and decided to take a quick shower before starting my morning routine. I winced at the wounds on my face, upper back and legs as the semi-hot water graced my skin; the night before the soon to be alpha's whore, Jannette, thought it would be funny if I spilled soda on the beta, so she shoved me, and as she had planned, I spilled all over the beta's shirt and I immediately started to apologize but, that didn't really absolve me from punishment and so here I am now in pain.

Once out of the shower, I applied concealer over the bruises on my face... I did not need Minah to see the state I was in. I hurried to finish getting ready, I grabbed my phone, wallet, and backpack and headed to the kitchen. I made heart shaped pancakes with eggs and bacon.

"Minah, baby! Come on, we gottah go! Before we go though you gottah eat something." I yell. "Minmin, ándale mi amor. Ya le vantate."

"Mmm, okay mommy." Minah said rubbing her cute eyes. She sat on the counter and ate her breakfast. "Mommy, aren't you gonna eat?" Minah said with a mouth full of bacon.

"I just ate love." I lied.

"Mommy." She glared. "Lying is bad." She stuffed another piece of bacon. "And don't think I haven't noticed your face momma."

"You are right, love." I sighed. "Okay, well, I'll get something on the way before school and don't worry about me I just tripped and fell." I told Minah.