LOVE YOURZ

𝟎𝟏.

Not gone lie, this was making me sad. Brazil was never the emotional type, he always tried to play that tough role. So, seeing him like this kind of had a toll on me.

"I couldn't provide you with love because I can't even love myself, I never knew what love was. I couldn't even receive proper love from my parents 'cause they were dead. I thought I would be able to love you. I really thought I was capable of doing so. I even vowed to never hurt you, but I did. You kept telling me to communicate with you and I kept fucking up. I kept doing shit that you constantly got on me about. I kept making you cry. I'm sorry, True. I really am." He looked at me with tears in his eyes.

But I looked away before I would cry. I had cried so much in the relationship and I truly felt like Brazil was a sadist. That he just loved seeing me in pain. Since we broke up I promised myself to never let anyone see me so depressed like that.

"You right, you couldn't provide me with love. You couldn't do anything and I don't know why I didn't leave you sooner. Wait it was because I thought you'd change after continuously telling you to change your ways. Then I realized that I cannot force someone to change. The breakup was bound to happen though. Like I never knew shit about you anyways. Tuh, I'm just now finding out about your deceased parents after dating you for a year. You were secretive and emotionless as fuck. So, you right. I don't deserve to be with anyone like you. I do deserve better and it took me awhile to realize and accept that, but I did." I told him, making direct eye contact.

My dad always taught me to look people in the eye when talking, it was a form of respect. It also helps people focus on the conversation and read facial expressions.

"I don't hate you, okay? This relationship taught me alot."

"How could you move on in two months?" He questioned.

Truth was, I gave myself one day to cry. One day and that was it. I didn't want to lay in bed every day crying. After the one day of me crying, I started being productive, keeping myself busy. Spending time with family and doing things that I loved doing. It wasn't easy, because even when I did keep myself busy I still found a way to think about him. Until I slowly started accepting things for what it was.

"It wasn't easy, but I couldn't dwell on the breakup for a long time. I had to focus on myself and honestly that's what you need to do too. It may not be easy though. Do things you love doing, what you like doing?"

Like stated I didn't know anything about Brazil. All I knew was a favorite color and favorite food. Everything else was kept a secret.

"Playing basketball." He shrugged.

"Then play basketball." I broke a piece of the Brownie I had and ate it.

"I'm going to get my shit together for you."

"No, you need to do it for yourself."

"Y-yeah, I'm going to get my shit together for myself. I'm gone fix all this shit and I'm going to get you back. I got hope that I can just let me do this, alright?" He pleaded and I sighed.

The whole going back to your ex was a no for me. I just couldn't do it because my mind wouldn't let me forget the shit he did. After asking for him to change his ways and him wanting till two months after we break up to say he's going to get his shit together just wasn't it. Why? Like why? He could have been got his shit together. I wasn't taking him back.