Our Soul Divided

02| Waking Up

Athena

Grief.

I don't understand it. I was only beginning to understand the purpose of all the emotions that the human body emits and how they drive our actions.

Fear is meant to be a signal of danger, to deter you from doing whatever it is you're afraid of so that you don't get hurt. If you touch fire once, it's likely to only be once on purpose, because fear reminds you that it hurts.

Anger is meant to help us fight and defend ourselves when we are in danger. It's related to fear because fear triggers flight, but anger triggers the fight when you feel you are strong enough.

Joy is meant to bring our spirits to life and keep us going. It brings peace and contentment when the time is right, to bring us up when all feels lost. But how does one find it? Or trigger it? What's it related to?

Love. Love is fluid and turns into whatever we need it to be. It's meant to bring you up when you are down, and protect you when you are in danger. It's like having your head in the clouds while your soul is grounded. Dorian had once explained what it meant to him. I can't remember if I'd ever felt that.

Even sadness. It's a beacon to signal that you need help. It makes you slow down, and feel sluggish and tired. It can be a sign to yourself or a sign to someone else.

But grief... why do we need it? What's its purpose? One thing is for sure when one emotion is strong, it's all-consuming. It drowns out all the others.

Stetson peeks into the room for what could be the billionth time. I cut my gaze to him.

His voice is soft, "Hey, you're awake." Had I slept? I feel like I've been staring at this wall for what could be days, maybe even weeks.

Stetson and another girl brought me food periodically, and I had eaten none of it. I am nauseous and the thought of Dorian's stare just before he... it just keeps replaying in my mind. Over and over.

Stetson ambles into the room nervously. "Can I sit?" He gestures to the bed next to me.

I nod once, but I feel numb and think he might not have noticed until he eases onto the bed.

"I'm sorry," he whispers. I don't respond. "That was never supposed to happen. You've missed so much, and you likely don't remember what happened just before..."

"How long." It comes out like a statement as I continue staring at the wall. He scoots a bit closer to me.

"How long?" He is confused.

"How long was I... sleeping?" I tried to phrase it more as a question this time.

Stetson blows out a breath. "Eight years and forty-one days," he answers.

My eyes widen in shock. "Eight years?" His answer was much more specific, but I ignore that.

"Yeah, you uh... you were taken just after college graduation. You were twenty-three, and we... well, you were you. All three of us were close. We went out for dinner one night and you went to the bathroom... and you didn't come back."

My mind is reeling. Who took me? Why? What have I missed? All three of us?

"What did I miss?" Another question is phrased as a statement.

He lets out a shuddered breath. "A lot, love. But you should eat, and change, and–"

I start shaking my head. If I move, the pain will flood my whole body. "I can't..."

"Okay," he mumbles, "Just eat? Please." That word coming from his mouth reminds me of all the times Dorian had begged me for everything. He begged me to open up, he begged me to share, he begged me to listen to him.

And suddenly, I am remembering something...

"Please, Athena. Listen to me. You love him. I know you love me, but what you feel for him is what I've hoped you'd feel for me all along. I only want you to be happy. I'm not mad, I'm not hurt... well, maybe a little, but you–"

"See?!" I screamed at him. "You're hurt. And I never wanted to hurt you. I tried to warn you so many times."

"I'm hurt, Athena. But it's worth it. You need what only he can give you. And it's been there all along. You just accepted it."

"I can't lose you," I begged him. He walked toward me and wrapped me in his arms and kissed the top of my head.

"I'm not going anywhere, Atti. You're my best friend. And well... I kind of like him a bit too. I could keep him," he chuckled and it vibrated my face against his chest.

"How could this happen?" I whispered.

"You needed me... to help you see. To find yourself. And you have. It's all I wanted for you. What I wanted for myself was an obstacle."

"He let me go..." I whisper.

"No, Atti. He was trying to get you to safety." He called me Atti just now.

I half sit up and look at him for the first time and I am completely sidetracked. I think my eyes were fooling me. Stetson is now covered in tattoos. They are poking out of the collar of his white tee, and they cover his arms from sleeves to wrists. His ears are pierced multiple times, the bottom holes are stretched far enough to fit my pink finger through. His hair is butchered, quite frankly. The back all the way to the top is choppy and jagged, there is a bald line in the side that almost looks like a scar. The top is still Stetson, wavy and blonde, hanging over his forehead. His honey-brown eyes are still the same as they light up with some sort of excitement.

"What happened to you?"

He snorts, "It's a long story that I promise I'll tell the parts of that you missed and anything else you want to know."

"I like it," I attempt a sad smile and he grins.

"I know, you've said," he looks at his hands in his lap.

"I did?" My eyes fall to his hands as well. "Oh, I don't remember."

"You will. It will take time for the method they used to wear off."

I drop back onto the mattress and loose a breath. "I'm sorry," I say.

He moves toward me much more quickly than before, "No, no, no. None of this is your fault."

"I meant... For not seeing before about the way you felt..." I trail off as I get lost in the last memory I have of him storming out of Mia's kitchen.

"What do you mean?" He cocks his head slightly and presses his lips together.

"Um, I just mean... at Mia's... that fight we had in front of him."

He stays silent and glances around for a second. "Oh! Ohhhh... that was a really long time ago, babe. So much has happened since then. So much... that apparently, you haven't quite regained."

I sulk. Will it ever come back? I feel lost.

"I miss him..." I whisper, more to myself than Stetson.

"I do, too," he says unexpectedly.

I bunch my brows in confusion and he chuckles. "Hey, I'll be right back. Rain should know that you're... awake."

Stetson gets up slowly, "I'll be right back."

"You said that, I'm not going anywhere," I retort.

"That's my girl," he smiles and exits the concrete box.