Clueless [h.s]

[53] Dark

"I know what you're going through, Harry. You are not alone. Feel free to speak to me about whatever is bothering you." Kissinger spoke softly, her voice soothing and easing some of the tension built up on my shoulders. Ms Kissinger has always done that. She always used that calm voice of hers and practically begged me to open up to her and somehow, with all my restriction, she always managed to make me spill. I would always leave her office a puddle of fucking tears or completely emotionless, my mind and body too numb to even process half of the things that happened only minutes ago.

"How is Ariana?"

And there it was, she had unknowingly pulled the pin to the grenade and threw it with no caution. She did not know the damage the sound of her name caused me, she was completely clueless to the fact that I had left her the same night I had my appointment here.

Agonizing jolts of heartache ripped through me, enough to tear my being into two and make my breathing stop for a moment. Suddenly it all came back to me, her voice, her sweet scent, her presence, her touch, everything. And I couldn't deny that this was probably the worst pain I've ever felt my whole life. I was a selfish bastard for leaving her while she needed me the most, I left her even when I was the reason she was hurting. I left her because my mind was telling me to, not my heart. All I wanted was the best for her but I couldn't even form a single thought about her without hyperventilating.

My eyes clamped shut as the heartache cleaved through me, ripping straight through my being. My breathing was the heaviest it had been yet, I inhaled quick breaths through my parted lips and let them come out through my nose in uneven pants. Kissinger rushed to my side and I felt her hand on my shoulder as she crouched down to check if I was fine, but I was far from it actually. She knows I stop listening and start to breathe real fast when I am hurting the most, and it didn't take her long to notice.

Ariana always noticed too, she would place her small hand on my chest and tangle her other hand through my hair before she would pull me up to stare at her. She would tell me to breathe steadily and to calm down, but as long as I had her with me I felt as calm as I could be.

But now that she was no where near me, I was breaking all over again. But that was my problem, while I had her I depended on her for happiness, love, hope, trust, everything. And now that I no longer had her, I felt as if all these simple emotions have been sucked out of me or deliberately stolen. I was dependent on her for merely everything and I never realized that once I left her it would hurt this much.

I could barely feel the hot tears welling up in my eyes in attempt to break me all over again, but I couldn't give into it. I couldn't cry after remaining so numb these past couple of days. My chest heaved up and down in heavy breaths and my mind was clouded with dark thoughts of her and everything in between. It was like never before.

"Breathe." Kissinger demanded but her voice was drowned out of my ears again, I couldn't focus on a single thing.

I felt like hitting something, I was angry at myself for letting her go like that. I wanted something to hit me back twice as hard, I couldn't live with myself to even think about the excruciating pain she was being put through when I was with her. I was hurting her, slowly draining her, emotionally killing her.

A heart-wrenching sob ripped from my throat, the hot tears finally spilling from my eyes and landing on my cheeks before rolling down and hitting the soft fabric of my t-shirt. The turmoil of dark heavy thoughts and emotions stirred inside me as I had finally reached my breaking point. I was finally enduring the pain I had held in for days now. I drew out a deep breath and tried to still my tears, but the slight shaking of my limbs and the tight burning and closing of my throat made it seem impossible to do so.