Don't Be Afraid To Ask

*43* First Kanaphan

But then we look at someone next to us and we realize that we don't want to hurt that person, we are able to take on any suffering as long as the person next to us doesn't have to suffer - if that's not love then I don't know what is .

— No, I wanted to talk to you about something — I replied, wondering what the easiest way to put it into words would be for her to understand without making her sad or frightened.  I remember once she showed me a poem she wrote one night when she couldn't sleep and lay alone in her bed in her room, hugging her pillow and imagining that she had a friend to hug and comfort her.  I also fought for her.  If she didn't give up, neither could I, especially since I had the falcon of many people who would be hurt by my death.  Like Khao or Annie or even Off and Gun my friends.

Maybe one day you'll look back at our pics.
Maybe you'll read old conversations
And then you'll think
How brave your friend was.
When she was fighting
Because she felt it's he not she.
When she got lost and scared
On the way to success.
When „he“ was not even an option.
When she heard she's biggest disappointment for her parents.
Will you look back in time at me?
Will you be proud of how far I went?
Or will you be disappointed that it was me to call you my best friend?
I wish I knew answers sooner.
I wish I wasn't making mistakes.
Wanted to be better, to be stronger.
With tears in eyes planning how to die.
You were always here for me,
But I was too broken to tell you the truth.
Didn't wanted to trust anyone,
I was afraid I'd get hurt again.
Never perfect, never even close to be good enough.
Scared of tomorrow,
Scared of what's to come.
I don't want to wake up anymore.
Because this pain inside me is killing me.
And it won't stop.
With teary eyes, broken heart, lost dreams I still loved you as much as I could.
If I selfishly die one day
Please, forgive me.
Didn't mean to hurt you.
But I was hurting myself.
I wanted to be surrounded by people
But I was scared of them.
I hated being alone
But didn't have courage to talk to anyone.
Fighting all alone.
I'm tired.
With my head full of thoughts.
I'd rather be a ghost.
So let me go.
If you really even loved me,
Today let me go.
I'm selfish I know.
Asking you for this may hurt.
But bestie, I loved you enough to stay till today.
I loved you and fought,
Because I didn't wanted to hurt you.
Today I'm just tired of years which passed away.

I snapped out of my thoughts as she sat at the table across from me, spooning tea in her favorite unicorn mug with the words "I don't believe in hoomans" on it.

— About what?

— Are you going to tell me what you dreamed about and why you called Fluke the Grim Reaper?

— So I said it out loud?

—  Yes.

— First... I'm sorry. I must have woken you up.

— I wasn't sleeping, I couldn't.  Tell me, you'll feel a little better if you tell someone.

That night, instead of Khao, Annie accompanied me.  She had just returned from Poland, and since Perth had not arrived yet, she offered to keep me company by letting Khao go back to his home and get some rest.  Her behavior in the last hours was a cause for concern for me.  It reminded me of the scenes we played with Khaotung.  Did she have nightmares too?

— I dreamed about Fluke.  He looked good and healthy, had beautiful, shining wings, and his role was to lead souls from our world to their destinations.  Lately I have dreams a lot where I am a boy, sometimes my name is Song, sometimes Sorn, sometimes Mek, many times in these dreams I see terrible things.  I once dreamed that my little finger was tied with a red thread to the little finger placed in a boy's coffin.  If you've watched Until We Meet Again, you'll know what I'm talking about.  I keep dreaming of a narrow corridor, a classroom, a square in front of some university building.  In these dreams I often see myself dying, but like I said, I'm a boy then and sometimes I have a brother and sometimes I don't.