Don't Be Afraid To Ask

*42* Zee Pruk

Not to think too much about it, I took a few sips of the cold but still tasty tea and began to write.

“I watched you from a distance and wanted to believe that it would be enough, but every day that we worked together, I became more and more dependent on you.  It got to the point that without you next to me, it seemed to me that the air was toxic and would suffocate me.  I became so dependent on you, on your presence with me, that when you were not there, I longed and dreamed of seeing you again.

I know I tell you this every day, but something like this needs to be repeated as often as possible, so I'll say it again: I love you.  Hia loves Nong New.  But I love you in all incarnations, I love you as NuNew and as Kirin, I also love you as NuKuea, as Kanin and as Yuki.  You are the best gift from fate and my angel.  When we sing "Angel Baby" together, I can't take my eyes off you because you are my angel.  You appeared when I gave up completely, you taught me to love when I stopped believing in love.  You helped me create magic that I had forgotten existed.  You are priceless.

If you are reading this, then something bad has happened.  Whatever it is, please don't worry.  We cannot change the past, but we can change the future...

My Dear Nu.

I've seen so many couples break up despite being so perfectly matched.  I was afraid that because of age or P'Sky the same thing would happen to us.  Please, Nu, take care of yourself.

Today, as I write this, it is no longer safe and I doubt it will be safe in the near future.  I'd love to send you and Annie to Poland, but I can't.  I feel powerless like never before.  It's bothering me, it's killing me...

You know NuNu?  First and Khao made our mistake, the same mistake Fluke and Ohm made, the same one that killed Fluke and forced Ohm to run.  Do you remember the day Annie brought Khaotung to us?  And when did they tell us about First's illness together?  I remember that day perfectly.  The sun was shining, it was stiflingly hot, we were constantly reaching for tissues to wipe the sweat from our faces, Som complained that she couldn't do any good makeup and that everything looked terrible on the screen where we were watching the scenes we were recording.  Perth told us earlier that we would have a guest to work with us.  We tried to guess who it is?  We were betting on Joong Archen or his boyfriend, Dunk, with whom he had already starred in another series, but it turned out not to be them.  When Khaotung entered the room where we were waiting for the morning briefing, I froze.  I remember him differently, that day he seemed much thinner, paler, had dark circles under his eyes and looked tired, but he greeted each of us with a smile on his face.  I felt he had some not-so-good news for us, and something made me think it was First.  But I didn't expect to hear such very sad news.

Today, when I look back on it, I breathe a sigh of relief, but only for a moment, because I just realized that Annie and Perth's trip to Poland makes First the most vulnerable of us all.  And all because he made one mistake... That mistake (according to people who have real power here) was falling in love with Khao...

Fluke and Ohm made that mistake and one of them paid the ultimate price, I'm afraid that me, you, First and Khao will be next.  I'm scared.  I have to admit frankly and without beating around the bush.  I fear for our lives.  Uh!  I will send you a pdf of my letter, please encode it so no one but you, Annie, Perth and Saint can read it, it's very important.  And remember, if anything happened to me, I didn't do it of my own free will.  I love you too much and I worry too much about people close to me, I know too well the pain that the death of even a close friend causes, and I would not make such a decision myself.  So if I disappear, if I stop talking (you know I can't stay mad at you for long), or if you find my dead body, know that I didn't do it alone.

I love you NuNu.

I love you with all my heart.  You appeared in my life when I thought that nothing good would happen to me, when I lost hope that it would still be beautiful.  I couldn't enjoy anything, everything lost its meaning... But when you appeared...

You gave me the courage without which I would not be able to move forward, I would not be able to stand still (or let my work completely consume me).  NuNu!  You are a ray of sunshine and such a lovely Cloud.  You are my smile.  My hope for a better tomorrow.  If I forget who I am and why, I know you will remind me.  Thank you that you are!

Yours forever,

Zee Pruk“.

I added a short poem.

At the end of the day I'm just a normal boy who fell in love with another boy.
At the end of the day we're all the same.
Trapped in cage of love and lost dreams.
We keep walking till the last breath.
We breathe and we bleed.
There's nothing new.
I'm just like you.
Today he's holding my hand
Like tomorrow would never come.
I'm just another boy who knows broken heart.
I was on my knees
Begging them to let me love.
The scars I've been hidding
Now everyone can see.
I've made thousands mistakes
But you weren't one of them.
If forever lasting night had to come
I'd wrap warm blanket around us
To cover us with love and safety.
If world will end tomorrow,
At least I got to know you.

I'm done writing.  I also set about translating it into English just in case, and sent copies to Max, Nu, Perth and Annie.  I hesitated for a long time before finally deciding that Saint also deserved to know the contents of this letter.  At Saint, I also put a note at the top: "This is my letter to NuNu, but for security, I'm also sending it to you.  I hope you'll appreciate that I trust you enough to show you something so personal."