Stocking Stuffers || Top Gear / the Grand Tour

★ A Festive Break In

James was expecting the house to be quiet as he returns home from the store. Especially with Sarah being out of town visiting family for the holidays for a few days. He had expected to have the house to himself for a while, just him and the cat.

However... when your best makes and work colleagues happen to be Jeremy Clarkson and Richard Hammond, peace and quiet doesn't seem to be possible. He should have never given them a spare key to his house (even if he's got a spare key to both of their houses). Makes for too many unexpected arrivals. Even if a lot of their arrivals are oftentimes very welcome.

Making his way inside, he's ready to yell at him, tell them to piss off as he was very much hoping to have some alone time while Sarah is away. And anyway, the three of them had planned on spending time together after Christmas after both Jeremy and Richard had spent the holidays with their own families. But he stops as he sees the state of his home. A state he definitely didn't leave it in, nor did Sarah.

There's Christmas decorations everywhere, even a dam tree in the living room next to the fireplace. Someone has even managed to put the cat in a little elf costume designed for cats and small dogs - and he definitely doesn't look too pleased about it, much like James isn't too pleased by all the unwanted decor.

He wasn't planning on doing and decorating this year for Christmas, and nor was Sarah. They just hadn't felt the need to do any, and honestly, all it would end up being, is a massive mess to clean up later, and that's a mess he didn't particularly fancy cleaning up at all.

But now... now his house has been fully decked out in Christmas decorations without his consent and knowledge. And his poor cat has been subjected to the torture of wearing some silly little pet costume.

The culprits of all this? Jeremy Clarkson and Richard Hammond....

He had told them that he and Sarah weren't planning on decorating this year, which his two mates were rather shocked with. However, James didn't think that they'd decide to take it upon themselves to drive to Hammersmith from Herefordshire and Oxfordshire just to break into his house (though would it be breaking in if they both have a spare key?), just to put up a bunch of decorations. And to put his cat in some silly costume. Richard's doing, James guesses, judging by the scratches on his left cheek - which James thinks is well deserved, considering the state of his house.

"What the hell have you two done?" James asks, setting his shopping down on the table. "I mention that Sarah and I aren't doing any decorating this year, and you two morons decide to break in and completely cover everything on cheap Christmas garbage? And look what you've done to my cat!"

"Well, what else were we supposed to do?" Jeremy asks, from where he stands with Richard, handing up tinsel over the bookshelves lining one wall. "We couldn't just leave your house looking all boring and beige for the holidays, now could we?" He says. "Also, your cat is a menace. Look what he did to Richard's face!"

Richard nods, pointing at the long scratch marks on his face, which luckily don't look too deep. But even while James is glad that Richard wasn't too badly wounded, he still believes that he deserves getting scratched.

"I'm inclined to say that he deserved getting scratched for putting him in that dreadful outfit." James says. "And my house was perfectly fine without all these silly decorations."

He was perfectly fine with his house not being covered in a bunch of silly decorations, and certainly when it didn't have a heavily decorated tree in it. Although something that makes it even more irritating, is that there's absolutely no organisation whatsoever regarding the decor. Like Jeremy and Richard have just thrown everything around randomly with no order, simply just set about the place for the sake of having decorations up.

James can't really expect much coherent organisation from those two though.

"Well, now it's much better." Jeremy says, making his way over to James once he's finished hanging up the tinsel across the shelves, Richard following suit after jumping off the chair he was standing on to reach the top of the shelves. "You should be grateful, May. We spent a lot of time and money decorating for you and Sarah."

"Why should I be grateful if I didn't want it?" James asks. "Not to mention there's no organisation to what you two pillocks have done."

Maybe if there was some level of organisation he wouldn't be as annoyed by all of this as he is. Though not by much, as he really didn't want any decorations put up at all, and especially not put up in an array of absolute disorganised chaos.

He can't imagine that Sarah will be too happy with all of this when she gets home, if he leaves it all up that is. He has half a mind to force Jeremy and Richard to take it all down. However, he knows very well that they won't do that.

"Why don't you two go back to your own houses?" He asks. "Let me have some peace and quiet."

He was really hoping for some quiet time alone, not to have to deal with the two halfwits he calls his best mates. Now however, it looks very likely that he won't get that. And even if he did, it won't be very peaceful as he'll have to remove all this silly decor, because Jeremy and Richard definitely won't do it.

"Mindy suggested that I come spend time with you." Richard says, wrapping his arms around James, getting up on his tiptoes to kiss him. "I know that the three of us planned on spending time together after the holidays, but I can't wait that long. And I'll be spending Christmas and the days following with Mind and the girl, and family. Think a day or two before then with you and Jez is only fair."

Sighing, James is powerless to resist Richard, as he wraps his arms around the smaller man and kisses him back. He supposes he can understand Richard's wanting to spend a day or two with him and Jeremy before he has to go back to his family. And by the way Jeremy wraps his arms around the both of them, and kisses them, he feels the exact same, before he too has to go back to his own family. Even if they've already made other arrangements with each other for after the holidays.

But James is absolutely fine with that. He just wishes that they hadn't taken it upon themselves to decorate his home while they were at it. Even if he was very much hoping for some peace and quiet, he is very happy to spend some time with his two mates before they have to go back to their families.

Especially if it'll end with the three of them in bed together later on in the night (in one of the spare bedrooms of course, not in the bedroom he shares with Sarah). With Richard in between both him and Jeremy, whether that be asleep or something more, it doesn't matter. Just as long as they're being held in each other's arms.

They don't get to do this very often, but when they do get the opportunity, they're always happy to do whatever the others want. Doesn't always mean sex, but that's okay. Their relationship, whatever it is, goes beyond sex, and they don't always need it from each other.

Sarah, Mindy, and Lisa know of and fully support this arrangement. In fact, they were the ones that suggested it in the first place. Probably got tired of them dancing around and avoiding the subject entirely, James guesses, so they had done it for them.

"We can order takeaway and drink a couple beers together while watching whatever garbage is on TV." Jeremy suggests. "Then perhaps end the night in bed fucking Richard."

James snickers at Jeremy's words as Richard lets out some sort of whine. Of course, trust Jeremy to be rather blunt with his desires (and opinions, even when it gets him in trouble).

And James really likes the sound of that. The night may or may not end with sex, but that's absolutely fine by him. Just as long as he gets to spend the night with his two favourite idiots, then everything is just fine.

Might even make up for then breaking into his home to put up all these hideous Christmas decorations, and for putting his cat into some silly elf pet costume....