I never thought someone could cause such strong emotions to stir in me. Anger would be a good strong emotion to say I always felt but that isn't the case. Instead, all I feel is frustration. Also, an overwhelming urge to scream at the top of my lungs. Having someone you care so deeply about just runs away every time you think you are getting somewhere. Is it possible to be afraid of having feelings for someone? I honestly didn't believe what people would tell me, that it would even be possible to run away from something that makes you so happy.
Frustrating.
You'll act one way but tell me another. I wish I knew what was going on inside your head. I can see it on your face, you have feelings for me. Why won't you admit it? Are you afraid I don't feel the same? Or maybe it's because you are afraid of being hurt again. I know what it's like, to have every piece of you shattered by someone else. I just want an explanation, reason, or anything, to understand what you are feeling.
Please.
You make me laugh, and smile. You ignite something that has been dormant for years, you've lit a fire in me that's been burnt out by someone else. You make my toes curl and my head spin. My body craves yours; my heart craves you. Except, you don't crave mine. I think I've fallen hard, for someone who can't love. Someone who gives me mixed signals and shows me how much he cares but then leaves with no explanation. You tell me it's nothing for me to worry about, that it's something you are dealing with; but when I see you upset my eyes water, and my chest aches.
I just want you.
I want to celebrate your achievements and jump up and down when you graduate. I want to wake up to you in my bed every morning and stay up late watching dumb cartoons, but I learned early on that the things I want don't matter. That I don't matter. Things used to be so simple when we were kids. We didn't have to worry about what we were going to eat for dinner or if our phone service would get shut off. I miss it. Maybe, if I had a chance, to go back and redo everything, would I erase you from my life?
I can't.
When I first met you, I had no idea I'd love you this damn much. I didn't know you'd affect every little thing about me and my life. A tiny message from you could make my day or ruin it, and I try so damn hard to ignore the feeling I get when you touch me, talk to me, or even look at me. I want you. I crave you. I can't breathe until we are in the same room. Yet, you act so differently when you leave. Like I don't exist to you when you walk out the door.
You frustrate me.
I watch the way your face changes when your thoughts are stirring. I wonder if you can feel the difference when I kiss you with lust versus feeling. If you notice that when I look at you or think of you my pupils get bigger. Sometimes I'll study your face to memorize every detail. I want to be able to see you without you even being there. Tell me why you run. Tell me why you try so desperately to ignore the feeling you get when you are around me. Unless you don't feel it. Unless I'm imagining, every little spark I feel when your fingers brush against my skin.
I did it again.
I obsessed over every little thing you said or did. I imagined everything, didn't I? So desperate for love, that I fooled myself into thinking you'd give it to me. Fooled to think you wanted more than my body. I played myself, right into the trap you laid out. You warned me and I ignored it, you told me the truth and I didn't believe it. It's my fault. How could I be so stupid?
Noone could ever love me.
