What if they don't die at the end?

Mateo Torrez

Mateo Torrez
1:17 pm

I walk through the doors of intensive care, just like yesterday. Showing a nurse the visitors badge and making my way straight to dad's room.

Everything looks the same.

Nothing in this room has been touched since yesterday. It feels a bit surreal. Like I'm looking at a photograph rather than my comatose father. I really wish this was just a picture.

I sit down in the little plastic chair by his bed and hold his hand. His cold hand. "Hey dad." I take a little look around the room "So, what's new?" I nod my head, as if he was replying. If he was awake he would probably ask if I've set up that blog for all of his lists yet, or maybe he would ask me how college is going. "Oh me? Things are good with me...God, so much stuff happened.I have so much I want to tell you, I don't even know where to start." The beeps of the machines fill the air. "So yesterday, I...I thought I was going to die. Well, I think I was supposed to but then...plans changed I guess. I don't really know what happened" I squeeze his hand. "I met this guy.He's got a really cool name ,Rufus. You don't hear names like that a lot" This is the part where he would agree with me. He would tell me how nice it is that I'm starting to make new friends. "You see he's a bit more than just a friend.He's my... You see dad I'm..." I sigh, the right words just aren't coming to me. I can't do this, not if he can't talk back to me.Stuff like this looks way easier in movies. I look up at his relaxed face, his chest slowly rising and falling as the machines help him breathe. "You know if you could wake up right now so that I could come out to you it would really be a big help" I squeeze his hand, holding my breath because just maybe, maybe he could wake up.

Beep.

Beep.

Beep.

But he doesn't.The same beeps repeat over and over again and he stays the same.Just like everything else in this room.
"God this is so stupid, what was I expecting?" I mumble. I wonder how he's going to react once I tell him. I'm not scared to come out. He's always wanted me to be happy and get out into the world. He couldn't give less of a damn who I kiss.Nevermind how he's going to feel when I tell him I'm gay, how is he going to react when I tell him I got a call from Death-Cast and then lived? If he's even going to believe me? I mean Lidia didn't believe me at first.What if I tell him everything that happened, everything we did, and he just thinks I'm trying to mess with him? No, he wouldn't think that.He knows me, and he knows I wouldn't make up something like that.I run my thumb over his knuckles "I'm going to live dad. Like really live, just like you wanted. I promise."

My eyes wander over to the little chest of drawers, our picture is still laying there, untouched. I let go of his hand and walk over to the picture, reading the little note I wrote.The one I wrote when I thought I was going to die.

Thank you for everything, Dad.
I'll be brave, and I'll be okay.
I love you from here to there.
Mateo.

I read it, again and again until the words are burned into my mind.Part of me wants to rip it up, but I don't.It's a really nice picture.Instead I grab the pen out of the drawer and cross everything out because I'm not saying goodbye. Not anymore. I write something new underneath, just in case he wakes up and I'm not there.

I'm going to live.
I'm going to be brave now,

I'm going to be happy.

I love you Dad

Mateo.

I place the pen and the picture back where they were.I meant everything I said. I'm not the type to lie.I'm really going to live. I really wish I could have had this revelation a few years ago, before dad had his stroke.