What if they don't die at the end?

Mateo Torrez

Content warning: contains mentions of self harm.

Mateo torres

10:27 am

After walking around for a little while, Rufus and I ended up going to a little bakery I suggested, since the cafe was closed.I love it here.It's got a very warm, cosy feeling to it.Exposed brick walls,lamps dangling from the ceiling, little shelves with succulents and chalkboard menus. In the back they even have a little chalkboard for the customers to write on.When I was a kid I would always doodle on it while my dad ordered.Before we ordered I dragged Rufus over to it.It was mostly peoples names like "Delilah Grey was here" but there was also an "I don't need a boyfriend, I have coffee" that gave us both a laugh.And of course, we wrote something too.We decided to be cheesy and write both of our names in a heart in blue chalk.

Dad and I used to come here after school when I was a kid.I think last time I was here I was 15.
I'm glad to see it hasn't changed.

Rufus and I eventually sat down.Him with his blueberry muffin and tea (two sugars), me with my coffee and a cheese and ham panini. Rufus starts to chug down his tea (not without burning his tongue twice), and we start talking about how much it sucks that he gave away his bike.Sure it was a nice thing to do when you think you're going to die.Clearly, that's not in the cards anymore.Now he's just a guy who has to walk everywhere.He'll probably buy a new one eventually.It makes me think back to all the money I spent yesterday.I massage the bridge of my nose, cringing at the fact I spent two hundred dollars on the crappy experience that was Make-A-Moment.God that place really sucked.

"Wait a minute" Rufus places his coffee back down carelessly, accidentally spilling a bit.He then proceeds to wipe it up with his sleeve.Before I can say anything about it, he speaks up again, leaning in closer to me. "Is this technically our first date?" out of blind shock I begin to (very elegantly) choke on my panini.
"I- well" I  clear my throat "I guess so" I hadn't really thought of it like that.The realisation hits me like a fucking train as anxiety starts to run through me again.I tap my finger against the rim of the mug, feeling my face heat up.I catch a glance of Rufus smirking as he comments
"Are you seriously nervous? dude, we literally just escaped death together?." I lightly kick him in the shin underneath the table.
"Shut up" 
"You're cute when you blush,you know that?" he rests an ice cold hand on top of mine,it's sort of a relief, it's so hot in here.
"Ok ok that's enough" Even though my eyes are firmly glued to my mug, I can just feel his stupid grin on me.The heat starts to get to me and I roll up my sleeves.I have no clue how he's surviving in my hoodie.Lifting my head, I look back up at him, expecting to meet his gaze.However, he seems to be focusing on my wrists.

Damn it, damn it, damn it.
He's going to ask about them isn't he.I can already feel myself start to retreat into my shirt.The tips of his fingers graze over old, pale scars.

"How'd you get these?" he says, more casually than I expected.Usually when people see my scars they freak out.Get all stiff.Awkward.It's why I usually wear long sleeves. 
"Well erm," I pause, not really knowing how to put this without making him uncomfortable.  "They're old scars, from high school" he gives me a curious look, he knows I'm not telling him everything.He's staying quiet but he can tell.He sees right through me.His head cocks to the side slightly, as if he's asking me for more.I can't lie to him.I won't. That's what the old Mateo does.In another universe old Mateo is sitting in his bedroom, doing work for an online college and listening to the sounds Neptune makes.This is the new Mateo. He's going to be confident. Taking a deep breath, I start preparing a little speech in my head.

"My anxiety got pretty bad during high school.And well, sometimes it got really  bad and I just couldn't handle it." my mouth starts to feel dryer than I'd like it to be. "Whenever I had a panic attack or I was just kind of stressed in general I would" I look down at my arm, focusing on the slashes and gesture towards them.I don't want to say it. I've never liked saying it. I had a self harm problem, even in my head I don't like saying it."I would do that" Rufus stayed quiet, listening with as sympathetic look.Soft eyes, lips slightly parted.He knows what I'm talking about. I laugh, without knowing why.Maybe I was trying to lighten the mood or undercut some of the awkwardness.But it doesn't matter, it sounded so fake it only made the moment more depressing.

He gently squeezes my hand, running his thumb over it as he does so.His hands still feel like a block of ice.
"I'm sorry you had to go through that, fuckin' sucks" the corners of my lips turn up at his voice.A calming relief washes over me.Like getting an extra life in a video game right before you think you're about to die. I look up at him, the light from the window ever so slightly illuminating his face. We only met each other yesterday, but I feel like I've known him for a lifetime. There's just this feeling. It's safe. It's like when I was singing "Your Song". I sounded terrible.I was off key and if it was anybody else I would have stopped and locked myself in my bedroom for the next year.
But I didn't.
Because it's him.

"I'm really fine now.That was like years ago, I haven't done it in ages" he noticeably relaxes at the reassurance.
"Good, that's good" he pauses for a second taking a large sip of his tea "Jesus, I can't even imagine what that's like." he rubs the back of his neck "Thank you for telling me,I know it ain't easy talking about shit like this"
"Its fine, really" I run the tip of my finger over the handle of the coffee mug. "I love you, you know that?" I say as sincerely as I can because I need him to know. He saved me. I'll spend the rest of my life telling him that if I have to. "Like really, I meant everything I said yesterday" 
"So did I" he replies without a second of hesitation "I love you too" and looks at me with the most genuine care and affection in his eyes, the joy makes me feel invincible and my heart race.

Whatever our new life is going to throw at us today,tomorrow,next week,month or year.We can handle it.Together. Because it's us. Two dudes meet.They fall in love.They live. 
That's our story.