Don't Be Afraid To Ask

*40* Annie

The sun shone through the window, inviting us to go outside, but we preferred to stay inside the building and wait until they let us go back to our friend's house.  Perth brought me coffee.  It was a very nice gesture on his part and made me realize how much he cares about me.  We divided the shifts for First pretty fairly between me, Zee, NuNu, Khaotung, Mixxiw and Earth.

When we finally entered First's, we had barely crossed the threshold when Perth's phone rang.  It turned out that he had to go back to the shooting location to correct one of the scenes that our directors thought did not turn out as well as it should have.  He gave me a short hug, said goodbye to First and left us alone.  I pulled a not-so-comfortable plastic chair over to his bed and sat down.  First asked about plans for the evening.

— We'll probably practice  roles in Zee's room or mine.  I can't believe how fast time flies!  We just started recording the first scene, and here in a week or two we will probably finish the recording process and then the most difficult task will be taken over by the editing specialists, and we supposedly have the best ones —  I smiled at him.  — I'll show you some pictures I asked our friends to take.  Your Khao is doing great!  You can be proud of him!

— I'm proud of him, I'm prouder of him than he could possibly imagine — He admitted, staring intently at the footage I was showing on my phone screen.  On the display, we saw Khaotung with a wreath of yellow flowers on his head, around which Fluke, Earth Katsamonnat, NuNew and Nat danced, singing some song whose words I didn't know.  Khao was sitting there in a throne-like chair with a crown of flowers on his head, and the only words I could catch were "King Khaotung."  I don't know why they named him that or who came up with the idea, but looking at First's eyes shining with joy was something wonderful and made me glad that this record existed.  I looked up from the screen and stared at my friend sitting so close.  I was somewhat sad to see that his hair, eyelashes and eyebrows had thinned as a result of the chemotherapy.  The outline of the jaw became even more pronounced, and the flushed cheeks made a sad contrast to the extremely pale skin.  He was wearing comfortable black pajamas that we had brought him at Khaotung's request.  He had a cannula stuck in his left hand, to which a drip was connected.  It was hard to recognize the handsome, hot boy who had played in "Not Me" and "The Eclipse".

— You know Annie?  I do it for him, for Khaotung.  I don't want him crying over me.  You were right, if I gave up and just died, Khaotung would suffer a lot.  I don't want this.  I don't want him to have to go through what I went through when my closest friend died a few years ago. — Unexpectedly, First began to talk.  I got the feeling that he wanted to let it out and at the same time have someone who would know the story and be able to repeat it.  — I met Gawin in the hospital when I first got sick.  We were put in the same room, so it was natural that we spent a lot of time together.  We were both cured then, but we promised each other that we wouldn't break off contact with each other.  First, before we could afford a telephone or a computer, we wrote letters to each other.  After that, we emailed each other, and when Facebook became fashionable, we used it too.  We were very close, but he didn't tell me until the very end that he was sick again.  I found out about his death through Facebook.  It hurt like hell.  After all, we promised each other that we would support each other, that if one of us fell ill again, we would visit each other, motivate each other to fight.  And he left without saying goodbye.  He didn't even say he was sick!  I don't want to do this to Khaotung, I want to heal for him.

— You two really love each other...

— Annie... It's not that simple... I wish I could love him, I wish I wasn't afraid for his future, I wish I had the courage to admit what I feel, but I don't even know it myself... I'm lost... I feel,  that now everything is wrong. — The words sounded even more terrifyingly sad from his lips.  I felt like throwing something or shouting my anger at all these people in the face, those who hate us.  Now I would like to show them First, a young man, until recently strong, confident, courageous, bravely enduring all struggles, who was afraid to admit openly what he felt, who was devastated from the inside by guilt, sense of responsibility and panic fear that his feelings could destroy a person whom he loves.  First's pain was so familiar to me!  And yet First is in fact an ordinary boy, the actor is the same person as a doctor, construction worker or baker.  Just like a gay man is just as human as a straight man.  It was one of those moments when I hated life, when I thought it was unfair: people with good hearts, full of love and compassion, who were able to help others the most, suffered the most, had the greatest burdens put on their shoulders by fate, as if someone  who controls our fate wanted to show us in this way that we are the strongest, that we can rise even under the weight of such difficulties that would crush others to the ground.  Maybe that's how we've been marked and chosen.