Rewound {PTX}

Awake

~I wake with Scott's hand on my shoulder and a plate of scrambled eggs in front of my nose. They're cheesy, steaming, beautiful scrambled eggs made of solid sunshine, but I stop myself from reaching for the fork and shut my eyes again. I don't want to see my arms. I don't want to know where I am. It's too late, though. The way my sheets and pillow feel against my skin, the way my body fits me, and even the atmosphere in my own mind, the subtle and sometimes not-so-subtle chemical filters between the world and the way I experience it, tell me I'm back in the present, in 2015. I'm more acutely aware of the differences now than I was when I woke up disoriented in 2011. How is it possible to send back my memories without sending back my whole brain? How is it possible to send anything, even just knowledge, back in time?

"How do you think souls work?" I open my eyes and sit up against the headboard, grimacing a little at my bracelet. I want to go back. Scott looks confused, and a little suspicious. Breakfast is a peace offering, and he wants to know if I'm going to strangle him, but I want to know what's happening to me. "Are they an abstract concept? Just an umbrella term for things that neuroscience describes in more detail? A word for your thoughts and personality? Do they have an extra copy of the information stored in your neurons? Could a soul exist without a body? Could it switch between bodies? Wouldn't a body still remember things if its soul were gone?" Why am I trying to explain this? It's impossible. If there is an explanation, it's probably beyond my comprehension. Maybe I visited some kind of parallel universe. Maybe it didn't really happen. It still feels like it was real, though. Maybe the Fates are messing with me... Maybe they tied a knot in the string of my life because they're Pentatonix fans and they're upset about our imminent breakup.

Avi was first to say he wanted to move on. He wants to settle down with someone someday, but with our schedules, he never has a chance to even meet people, not for longer than two minutes. He wants to take it back a few notches and maybe just work slowly on a solo album for a while.

There aren't a lot of people with voices like his, but we could have found one. We could have kept going, but Kirstie decided to jump to the next opportunity. Pentatonix is still growing, but she thinks it's going to peak soon, and she wants to leave when we're at the top, not wait for us to start slipping. Replacing Avi would take away a lot of our momentum. She's got the whole relationship thing working, but unlike him, she doesn't see that as any reason to slow down. She wants to keep picking up the pace and reach her full potential. She already has a dozen labels begging to make her their next pop star, and her departure isn't even official yet.

We could have replaced her too. Mezzo-sopranos aren't so hard to find. It would never be the same, but we could have made it work. Yesterday, though, or the day before yesterday if you count my foray into the past, Scott told me he's done. That's when I finally knew it was over.

"Hey Mitch. I've been thinking about Avi and Kirstie leaving."

"Don't remind me. I'm sad about it."

"What's going to... what are you going to do?"

"Well, it kinda goes without saying that we should ask Tori to join the band. She probably won't. Even if she wants to, she's probably in a contract... but it's worth a shot because she'd be amazing. I've been researching basses, and there are some good options out there, but it's important to find someone we could actually stand to tour and work with practically 24/7, and I can't tell just from their recordings. Did you have anyone in mind?"

"I want... I think...I mean, I guess I've decided, um... Mitch, I don't think I..." He takes a deep breath. "I've thought about it a lot, and I've made up my mind to leave Pentatonix."

I shoved him out the door. I told him to get out before I said something I'd regret. I still don't know what to say.

"Is this a test?" Scott asks. "Why are you suddenly so curious about souls?"

"Never mind. It has nothing to do with ending Pentatonix." Kevin and I can't stay if we're the only ones left. The two of us just aren't enough. We wouldn't be Pentatonix anymore, or anything close to it. We'll have to move on. Scott is watching me nervously as I pick at the screws in my bracelet, trying to twist them out with my fingernails. I'm still readjusting to reality. "We still have a few more months, though, right? We'll go to Asia. We'll tour with Kelly. We'll finish our album and promote it for a while. Our contract isn't up until mid-autumn. I guess I knew we weren't going to do this forever. Why are you all so eager to leave, though? Can't you see how good what we have is? This isn't something you can get somewhere else."

"I know." He sounds miserable. "Nothing else will be the same. Pentatonix wouldn't be the same either, though, not without all five of us. I don't want to cling to something that's over. It would hold us back."

"From what? What kind of fame or success could be better than Pentatonix? We're not just a band."

"Do you really want to hang on for years wishing it were like it used to be? Do you want to wake up one day feeling like you're too old or too stuck to do something new?"

"What if we could stay together and still be successful? Wouldn't that be better?"

"We can't go any further with Pentatonix. We're not going to get the radio hit we wanted or win another Grammy, not if we can't move past this. I don't want to hold you back. You've always been the best singer, easily. Don't you think you could achieve more without Pentatonix?"

"Only if I were really lucky. We work hard, but we've also been really fortunate. We've been in the right place at the right time a lot, and if we throw away what we have, there's no guarantee we'll go anywhere no mater how hard we try. At this point we have a following, so the odds are stacked in our favor a lot, but realistically, I still see myself working twice as hard for half as much. Is it because you want to settle down like Avi? Do you want to rise faster like Kirstie? Be more famous? Build your own brand? Do you want to try something new? Do you want to know what it's like to have the limelight to yourself? To be in control? To make all your decisions independently? Is it because I'm holding you back? I'm too complacent? I don't invest as much as you? Are you just tired of me? Am I getting too close or too clingy? Is this getting in the way of your relationship?"

"First of all, Mitch Grassi is my friend, and you have zero seconds to stop talking smack about him, starting right now."

"You don't even want to hear the things I could say about you right now." He's a traitor. A sellout. A terrible friend. He's running away just because it's going to be tough. He's a coward, afraid to try and fail. He's abandoning me.

"You'll be better off in the long run."

"I don't want what's best for me. I want what's best for us."

"That's where we're different. I don't want what's best for us. I want what's best for you."

"That would be sweet and adorable if you weren't leaving me."

"Not you! The band."

"It's the same thing."

"No! Leave, Mitch. Don't stay with Pentatonix. It's over."

"Who said I was staying? I can't. It won't exist anymore."

"But you... oh. OH. You think I want to go solo or something? No. I don't even know if I'll sing. What I do next is up to you. I'm leaving because I want to see you become something bigger than Pentatonix ever was or even could have been. Whatever you need from me, I'll do it. I'm your sidekick. Just don't ask me to let you keep doing the same thing. If, after a year, you want to give Pentatonix another try, then I'll support it, but this is the time to branch out, to experiment, and to do everything you've ever dreamed of. If you let it, it's going to be amazing. I believe in you."