Shivika: Journey Till Our Hearts

|| 41. Baring My Soul to You ||

At the mention of the divorce, Shivaay felt his heart twist. He felt a certain pain near his heart and he was sure it was not due to the wound. And that is why he didn't realize when tears started flowing from his eyes continuously, as an expression of Annika's pain. As a result, he tightened his hold on her which she too reciprocated.

"I have been fighting ever since I remember Shivaay. With the world, with their orthodox thinking, for my freedom, for my identity, I have fought with myself also. But I never got tired, never lost and never stopped fighting. And yet for the first time in my life, I feel devoid of the strength to fight with you. Nahi lad sakti mein aapse and that makes me more vulnerable"

"You are the strongest woman I know, Anni" His shaky voice fell on her ears. The sheer vulnerability in his voice made her believe that Shivaay was too affected by her words. Her words surely had been a shocker to him.

For Shivaay, he was stumped. To think that Annika thinks such of him was overwhelming. It was quite surprising to know how important he was to Annika. The fierce,independent and happy Annika he knew had so much hid underneath her. She was scared for her future, was insecure of their relationship and feared for her own self.

"Anni, meri baat suno" He now left his hold and cupped her face. He then gently wiped her tears before speaking in a loving tone. "No need to get scared. Mein humesha tumhare saath hu. Khudko kabhi akela nahi paaogi"

"Kis haq se Shivaay? Kis haq se?" She shouted. "Six months have almost passed and like you had told me, in a few days, you will file for divorce and dekhte hi dekhte, the remaining six months will pass and humara rishta khatam ho jaayega and aap meri zindagi ka hissa nahi rahenge. Kya haq reh jayega mera aap par? Tell me. With my overwhelming feelings, I don't think I can continue my friendship with you. Aise toh mein pagal ho jaaungi" She held her head and she spilled out whatever she had held in her heart.

"Anni" He held her face and made her look into his eyes. "What do you want? You told me all that you had in your heart. Tell me ki tum kya chahati ho"

Composing herself a little, she gulped down the lump in her throat.

"Aapse nahi hoga" She said slowly, as she saw Shivaay's sad eyes and concerned face.

"Leave that for me to decide. You just tell me"

"I don't want a divorce. I want to give this marriage a chance as it gave me so much happiness. I can't think of a life with you not in it. Aap meri aadat ban gaye ho and I get anxious and restless if I don't see you anywhere around me. Shayad yeh feelings pehle se thi but this incident pushed me to accept them. But mein sach jaanti hu, this can never happen. Aap mein and mujh mein bahot farak hai. I know it. Shivaay, you deserve a wife who is at par with you. Someone with a name, bloodline and family as high as you. Someone who can speak English as fluent as you, who can conduct herself in public and who can do everything I can't do. But despite knowing all of that, I like you and I can't do anything about that. I feel absolutely helpless" By the end, she was again crying and Shivaay was looking at her in disbelief. She finally felt a tad better, having told Shivaay what all she felt, though the outcome scared her.

"Anni.."

"You don't need to say anything Shivaay. I know everything. I am aware that we can never be together and that is what was ailing me since so many days. I was preparing myself to stay away from you. Issey mere liye thoda aasan hoga. You don't need to take any tension. Aapko apna plan change karne ki koi zarurat nahi hai. I will manage"

'Ek din teri zindagi kisi or ki ho Jayegi or tujhe pata bhi nahi chalega. Royegi wo par aansu tere bahenge. Chot use lagegi per dard tujhe hoga. Hasi uski rukegi per dam...dam tera ghutega. Or us din duniya ki koi bhi takat koi bhi paisa koi bhi naam tere kaam nahi aayega'