Shivika: Journey Till Our Hearts

|| 41. Baring My Soul to You ||

"Shaant ho jaao Anni. Mein hu yaha. Tumhare paas. Kuch nahi hoga" He said lovingly near her ears and stroked her hair. He noticed that she was breathing heavily and was covered in sweat. She was also palpitating.

"Bas bas Anni. Look at me. I am here. You are safe, I am safe. Koi nahi hai yaha" Having handled Om in such a panic attack situation, he knew what words and actions would soothe a person.

She didn't say anything but this time, she also left her hands from the chest and enclosed them around his figure. Just by the intensity of the hold, Shivaay understood how broken and vulnerable she is.

"Anni" He tried to free one hand so that he can hold her face but she refused to let go.

"Mein yahi pe hu. Daro mat"

She was crying uncontrollably now making Shivaay's heart bleed.

"Please rona band karo Anni. It is paining me" His words fell on her ears and she relaxed. His assuring words relaxed her a bit. Her cries reduced to sobs as Shivaay still continuously was stroking her hair. And now he was also kissing her temple.

"Tum theek ho. Safe ho Anni. It was just a bad dream" Shivaay knew about her nightmares as she had it before and Om had informed him about her bad dream when he was hospitalized. He was quick to assume that this was one such episode.

"Shaant ho jaao"

"Shivaay" Finally, she spoke and Shivaay also relaxed seeing her react.

"Ha bolo, mein yahi hu"

"Mein theek hu" She spoke, averting his worried gaze but still not leaving or loosening her hold on him.

"No, you are not. I can see. Stop lying and please tell me what is troubling you. Bas ho gaya ab. Stop keeping your problems inside you and speak up. This bottling up of emotions will only harm you"

Seeing her still silent, Shivaay continued speaking. "And more than that, I am your...."

"Don't" She spoke in a voice that frightened him. "Don't complete the sentence and don't use that word. Best friend. I am tired of this word, it's meaning and the havoc it has created in my life"

Now utterly confused, Shivaay chose not to interrupt as she was finally opening up.

"Shivaay, my life is in a mess. Things that weren't supposed to happen are happening. When I saw that you were shot, I felt like my heart stopped breathing. I saw blood flowing out of your body and ussey meri saansein tham gayi. Those traumatizing hours while the doctors even were uncertain about your life were agonizing for me as well. Nahi hona chaiye aisa. It's wrong. Me getting so scared of losing you is harmful"

"Kya soch rahi ho tum, Anni. Yeh galat kaise ho sakta hai. We always fear losing people around us. Tum toh yeh sabse ache se jaanti ho na" Shivaay reasoned.

"Jaanti hu. But this time it was different. I felt my own soul shaking. Aisa laga ki bhagwaan ne agar iss baar aapko mujhse cheen liya toh mein bhi zinda nahi reh paaungi" She cried.

"Anni.. "

"Shivaay, aap samajh kyun nahi rahe hai?" This time she screamed, still in his hold. He immediately responsed by rubbing her forearm and kissing her temple.

"Problem aapko dikh hi nahi rahi hai. The problem is not me feeling scared. I am scared for my future. What will I do after we part ways? My feelings, my emotions are consuming me. Aapki aadat lagna, you protecting me, standing in front of danger so that I am not harmed and caring for me, taking efforts to keep me happy is not good for me. I have never had anyone who would do such things for me. I feel nice when that happens. I feel protected, prioritized and special. And now, when we divorce, how will I survive? It is quite difficult to live the same colourless life after seeing the wonderful rainbow of life you have shown me"