Yes, Mistress Calloway.

𝘾𝙝𝙖𝙥𝙩𝙚𝙧 𝙩𝙬𝙚𝙣𝙩𝙮 𝙤𝙣𝙚.

And in every moment after I saw my younger sister earlier this morning for the first time in more than six years, and found out that my face and voice was something that she didn't know, something that she didn't remember, I drowned myself in labor while I did my tasks. I ignored the ginger head, Grace and her comments, and now finishing all of my assignments faster than I ever have before, I started to cook Eurella's breakfast. As a result, I only grew more emotionally numb while I unknowingly prepared her meal, a weight making my hands feel full of static lead until I finished and placed her plate on the table.

Then I continued to drown myself in the waters of labor, and as I drown myself deeper and deeper in the depths of the water, the sound on the surface of these waters grew muffled. All of the noise around me as I cleaned in the kitchen was muffled, and I never allowed my eyes to lift up from work. I never allowed myself to even get a glimpse of the heartache to pull me back up from the waters. I didn't want anyone to pull be back up. I didn't want Eurella to pull me back up.

And in result of not wanting to surface, I tried to numb my emotions, but even if I tried to numb my emotions, they would surface in other ways as I willed myself to drown. I wanted to drown and I wanted to drown forever. I wanted the waters to take me so far down that I couldn't feel anything, that I'm protected from everything that hurts me above the water, on the surface where people will try to save me from myself. But the deep waters is what saves me, it saves me from my emotions by numbing me. The waters keeps me safe as I drown. It keeps me from hurting and I didn't want to hurt anymore.

Exhaustion leaked from my mind into my bones, making me feel older than I was, 'I'm so tired of hurting...I'm so tired...I'm so exhausted...'

Everything in my once lively spirit slowly chipped away in the past years, every single year after I ruined my family's lives. But after what happened with my younger sister earlier this morning, what was left of my lively spirit became completely lifeless. My body is full of life as it functions, but my emotions makes me feel dead, my soul feels dead, the world around me is only grey because I can't truly live in it.

And I only want to live in it because I see so much beauty in the people that I've come to care about. My world was grey and discolored. There were no colors on my canvas. My canvas was black, white, and grey, and black and white were two colors that carved a path for hope, but as years passed the black and white vanished, and all that was left was grey. There was no hope, but Eurella paints all of the grey in my world with so many bright colors, and she cares for me more than I care for myself. She is a source of light, a soft, but bright beacon, that rains down specks of color on my canvas, painting so much hope in my pained heart, that only continues to hurt, and I feel so terrible that she is always having to take care of me.

All that I've ever been is a burden. I was a burden for my mother. And now I'm a burden for anyone that I come to meet. And I can't help, but to feel like maybe my sister not remembering who I am is better for her. Maybe I deserve to be forgotten because of what I have done to her, and maybe without me, she can become who I failed to be because I failed her.

I failed everyone that I have ever loved.

My thoughts pushed me further away, and while I drowned, my eyes became blurry with the water that drowned me emotionally, and as I looked down at the countertop that I cleaned, irregular tears would escape my eyes as it fell down my cheeks to the granite surface. My teary vision would blur and when a tear escaped, my vision would become clear, but then more tears would make my peripheral blurry again.

The world around me is so blurry and my ears could only hear a muffled ringing, but I couldn't take it anymore. I was so overwhelmed because as I forced myself to numb my feelings they only started to overflow, and I didn't want to break in the open. I didn't want anyone to see me break because I wanted to be broken alone, and that's what I deserve to be, alone.