Don't Be Afraid To Ask

*35* Khaotung

Doctors said that now every little infection became a threat.  First was very weak.  There were times when his nose would bleed even when he was just sitting quietly on the bed propped up on pillows and watching a race where there wasn't much going on, like the Monaco Grand Prix.  It was predicted that in the next few weeks the disease could take over the lungs, there would be difficulties in breathing, it would get worse.  It was very debilitating for both of us.  We stopped paying attention to what was going on around us, we didn't even know what day of the week it was, it didn't matter anymore.

I tried to do everything to prolong his life even if only for a few days or hours, but maybe it was selfish?  Maybe I was just causing him more pain that way?  Maybe I wanted to keep him next to me forever, no matter how hard it was for him?

I always had doubts.

Did the fact that I wanted to save him at all costs make me a bad person?  I didn't want him to get so tired, but I didn't want him to give up the fight either.  Is it wrong?

Annie came into our lives completely unexpectedly.  When Perth drove up to my house in his brand new Audi, I had no idea that my life was about to turn 180°.  Three people got out of the car.  I recognized Perth right away, we had known each other for a long time and had almost no secrets from each other.  He was always easy to get along with and never caused any problems, which is why I called him when First asked me to help him get in touch with Annie.  We heard a lot about her and we knew that she had recently started working on a new series in our country.  Apparently, the main media patron was Netflix itself, and the main sponsor was the AlphaTauri Formula 1 team.  When we found out about First's illness, we spent the first two days trying to understand why this was happening to us and trying to accept it.  I tried unsuccessfully to persuade First to undergo treatment.  He didn't listen to me, he wasn't convinced by any arguments.  That's why I considered the meeting with Perth and Annie as a last resort.  If they can't convince him, no one else will.  And time was inexorably moving forward and we were running out.

Annie asked us to leave and give her a moment to discuss something with First in private.  I agreed and quickly left the room.  I led our guests into the kitchen, which was in chaos.  The dirty dishes were in the sink because I hadn't had time to wash them.  First had spent the last week here, slept here, I tried to feed him here, showered here, but mostly spent his time watching Formula 1 races and BL series featuring our friends.  He only missed the ones he played in. He told me that he doesn't want to see himself knowing that he will never get the chance to play in series again. It was hurting him. Although he saw some positive sides of his acting career.

He said it was good that something would remain of him, some souvenir in the form of photos from the series in which he himself appeared.  I was sorry to hear that.  I wanted to look away, put my hands over my ears and not hear or see everything, but it was impossible... I already started to miss the old First who was my partner in "The Eclipse".  If his smile was my smile and his happiness mine, then his pain was mine too, I shared it with him, wishing there was only so much I could do.  He deserved a better fate, life had not spared him...

There was still a plate full of rice on the table, which I was trying to feed my friend before our guests arrived.  I rushed to clean everything up.

The last few days have been extremely tiring for both of us.  We both slept little.  Twice I took him for a drive aimlessly in the middle of the night because he claimed it helped him.  I didn't accept invitations to participate in any public events, so as not to leave him alone even for a moment.  First had been my friend for so long, I was worried about him.  Seeing him give up so easily hurt like hell.

— What are you going to do next? —  Perth asked me as I set the electric kettle to boil water for tea.

— I have no idea.  Honestly, I'm hoping Annie will convince him somehow — I replied without looking at them.  I took out three clean cups from the cupboard, Lewis Hamilton's purple, Fernando Alonso's blue, and Haas' white, each with a different Formula 1 team printed on it, and I thought it was funny that the two of us, such die-hard fans of the sport, didn't get  from the fate of the chance to star in a series sponsored by one of the F1 teams.  It's so funny that we both enjoyed it immensely.  We had already read the story that the show was going to be based on and even had ideas of who we could play.  Unfortunately, on the day of the casting, First felt very bad, which forced me to change direction: instead of going to the hotel for the audition, we went to the hospital.  I had a great deal of difficulty in persuading him to do all the tests.  His doctor, after the first results of the blood test, showed a lot of concern and referred him for further, more detailed diagnostics.  This worried me the most.  Very quickly we received a devastating diagnosis from Jimmy, our mutual friend who was also a doctor, an oncologist: acute myeloid leukemia.