Six months to live (ZhanYi)

22

As soon as Zhan opened it, the tears started to fall down Yibo's cheeks but the difference this time, from the last, is that there were already some damping Zhan's skin as well.

The two wasted not a single second in hugging each other as tight as humanly possible. So tight it almost hurt, but Yibo didn't care. He wanted to be held tighter, really.

Neither said anything for a few moments, just quietly hugging as Yibo sobbed and Zhan sniffled. It was a sad moment, one that Yibo wished he never had to live. One he wished Zhan never had to live either.

"I don't know what to do," Yibo finally manages to say.

"I don't either, I wish I did."

"Aren't you scared?" Yibo asks, pulling away from Zhan's shoulder just a bit, enough to look him in the eyes.

The whites of Zhan's eyes were tinted with red and his cheeks were as well. His skin was a bit damp from the tears and so were his eye lashes. "I'm terrified," Zhan says. "I don't think my brain can physically process that this is my last day."

Yibo's heart shatters at the words Zhan says. It felt like it was his last day too. His last day to be happy, his last day to smile, or to be held by the person he loved more than anything.

"Zhan ge, I know we've talked about it, I know you think I can, but I'm not sure if I can pull through."

Zhan pulls Yibo back into his chest, squeezing him tight. "You can, and you will. I'll still be with you, remember, when you look up to the sky, the first star you see will be me. Every night. And even though you can't see me during the day or even when it's cloudy, I'll be there. I'll always be there," Zhan says.

"Yeah...I just wish I could hold the star or something."

"Actually, I do have something for you," Zhan says.

Yibo once again pulls away from the hug with a questioning look. "You do?"

Zhan nods and releases Yibo, waking over to the bed and reaching under it to pull out a stuffed lion. "I know it's not anything too special, but I used the rest of my commissary to get it."

"Zhan ge, I love it," Yibo says, gratefully accepting the lion and squeezing it. It was something he could hold.

"Yeah? I mean, I figured if I can't give you a ring someday, I might as well give you a lion."

Yibo cracks a smile at what Zhan says. The first smile he's had in a while. It felt good.

"I think it's even better than a ring. I'll be sleeping with this for the rest of my life, thank you."

Zhan also smiles and gives a gentle nod. "Now come here so we can cuddle forever."

Yibo happily does as told, joining Zhan in bed and laying as close as he possibly can. He takes in everything from the way Zhan smells, the way his chest rises and falls in sync with his breathing. He tries his best not to let himself think too hard about how it was the last time.

He couldn't just stop thinking about it, that just wasn't gonna happen no matter how hard he tried. Even putting it to the side was impossible, so Yibo just accepted it. He just let himself know that it was the last time that they'd ever get to do this. To cuddle.

He didn't cry though. It hurt like hell, but he didn't cry. Somehow everything just went numb and all he was focused on was Zhan's breathing.

It was shallow and uneven, as if he was having trouble staying calm. Yibo could tell that he was emotional.

"You don't have to try and be strong, you know," Yibo says to Zhan, quietly.

Zhan takes a moment to respond, and when he does his voice is weak. "I feel like I have to though. I feel like it's the only way I can do it."

Yibo tilts his head up to Zhan and makes eye contact. "What do you mean?"

"I don't know," Zhan says, with his arms tightly wrapped around Yibo. "I guess I just mean like for myself. I have to stay calm and ignore everything otherwise I'll freak out."

"Oh."

Yibo understood. He couldn't imagine the thoughts that had to be going through Zhan's head. How hard it must be to have to deal with them and to be able to keep sane.

He's thought about what it would be like in Zhan's place. He's thought about how he has no family, how his childhood was taken away from him, and how he would be dying so young. How he would have to face death itself.

That on its own was terrifying just to think about. It's not even that it's because Zhan's so young, but more so because he knows what's going to happen. He's going to have to walk to the execution room, knowing he only has minutes left. He'll have to get on the chair that would break beneath him, letting him drop to his death. Aware of it all.

Yibo blinks his eyes and realizes that he's crying again. He didn't know if it was because he was going to miss Zhan, or if it was because he felt bad for him. Both, probably.

"I just don't want you to go," Yibo says, barely being able to get the words out.

He had said it a thousand times. That he didn't want Zhan to go. There wasn't anything else to say, though. Nothing else to do. Their situation wasn't changeable and Yibo had to say it because he couldn't just sit and not do anything. He couldn't let the universe think he had accepted what was going to happen. He wanted it to be clear that he was still resisting it.

"I don't want to leave you," Zhan says back.