Hot Chocolate and Caroling | ✓

Saturday, December 24th.

Before James could even get the car shut off, my mother was already in the driveway, ushering us to hurry up and get inside.

"Oh, we are so glad you made it. Dinner is ready, and it's already on the table. Hurry, hurry, it's getting cold." She turns, taking awkward steps through the fresh snow with her bare feet. She must have rushed out here so fast she didn't have time to put shoes on.

James and I each grab as many presents as we can, opting to come back later for the rest of them. He runs the stack he had in his hands to the front door, dropping them just inside the doorway and coming back to grab Hazel. He grabs a few more presents, just the smaller ones he can hold while balancing Hazel on his hip. I lock the doors, following them inside, the snow sending chills down my spine every single time a snowflake touches my skin.

Once we were inside the home, we could see the ensemble of food scattered across the dining table. Everyone else was sitting around, eagerly scooping their portions onto their plates, trying to gather all they could before we came in and took some for ourselves. They reach like there would not be enough to go around, and if they didn't fill their bellies tonight, it might be months before they get to eat again. I chuckle to myself, feeling the immediate warmth of family and love. My mother gathers some presents and places them under the large tree in the middle of the living room.

"The tree looks lovely," I say. It wasn't here the last time, but since they got such enormous trees and they place them right in the middle of the room, my mother liked to wait until as close to the last minute as she could. She and I were the same in that we needed our open space to breathe and relax.

"How is everyone doing tonight?" James shouts, joining in on all the banter the second he gets the chance to. We took our seats, trying to make it in time to get some of our own food before it was all stolen.

"Better now that you three are finally here." My mother interjects, filling up some cups of water for us. "Would you guys like anything else to drink other than water?" James and I both shake our heads.

"How are things going for you, Nicole? The last time we talked, things were in a kind of interesting spot? Have you been looking for jobs?" My sister Natalie asks, leaning against the table to get closer to us.

"Things have been great. If you would have asked me that question a week ago, I would have told you something completely different. But over the last two weeks, I've really been able to take a step back and look at the bigger picture. What really mattered wasn't anything to do with an article that needed to be edited. It's these moment's right here with those that matter to me most."

"I told you, Nicole, you should have taken some longer maternity leave. The company was offering you three months, and you went back after what? One?" My mother shakes her head, pointing towards Hazel. "That poor girl would have loved to have you around, just as much as we love having you around now. I'm so grateful you got fired and could get your priorities back in check."

"Geez guys, was I really that bad?" The table goes silent for a moment and it's the first time in this house you've ever been able to hear people chew when all of us were together. "Notes taken." I stir some of the noodles on my plate, feeling a little hurt because my family agreed with James.

"No time like now to fix things, though." James smiles, leaning over to give me a quick kiss.

"Yeah, and who knows, maybe you can stay home with the next one." My mother adds.

I nearly choke on my food. The next one? The next baby? I was just figuring out how my first baby works. But when I look at her, I see those big brown eyes looking back at me. The pigtails in her dark hair that James had done so perfectly. Her toothy grin smiling back at me. It's such a beautiful sight that I swear it could solve world hunger. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad to have another one. My mother was right. I could stay home with the next one and really explore what it would be like to be a stay-at-home mother.

But would I be happy just doing that?

I look at James and notice the way he is looking at our daughter.

"Are you two thinking about having anymore?" Natalie asks, grabbing another serving of the roast.

"We haven't really talked about it." James looks at me, shrugging his shoulders as if the question wasn't a huge one.

"Well, would you guys want to have another one?" Natalie presses further.

"I don't know. When are you going to have another one? Maybe I'll add it to my calendar and see how I'm feeling?" I couldn't help myself. They were talking about having a baby like it was a casual thing you just did for the weekend. I couldn't tell if I was getting annoyed, nervous, or a little intrigued by the sound of it. Would Hazel even like having a little sibling?

"I think this is something that Nicole and I should talk about in private and see if it's even something that would be good for our family. We've just recently been able to actually spend some time together again. Maybe we want to enjoy that with Hazel a little, or maybe we are done having kids. I'm pretty sure it's a discussion for the two of us and not really what we should be talking about over Christmas Eve dinner? Don't you think so?" James turns to me.

As weird as it sounded, I made a mental note to add babies to my list of things to think about when I needed a distraction. What would our lives look like with two kids? I honestly couldn't really picture what our lives look like with just the one. So much has changed in the last two weeks, and I was still treading water, just trying not to drown. Thoughts and ideas swirl in my head and I couldn't help but think about what I wanted my life to look like.

Maybe the kid count wouldn't matter, but I knew I wanted to be home with Hazel. I was also smart enough to know myself well enough that I wouldn't be able to handle staying home and not having some sort of job. Even if it was just half the day, I was going to need something to get me through. Ideas from the conversation I had with Sienna earlier this week drift back into my head. Maybe that was how I wanted my life to look from here on out. If I could figure out how to start my own editing firm, I could hire my friends from the office and we could just work our own hours.

"Earth to Nicole." James' voice pulls me out of my thoughts. I shake my head, looking around the room.

"Are you feeling alright over there?" Natalie chimes in, finishing off her second round of roast. I watch as she looks at the tray, thinking about taking another slice. She lifts her plate up, going in for the kill before deciding against it, awkwardly setting her plate back down on the dining table. I look at the kids, we lined the youngest two up in high chairs next to the adults. While the older two kids are seated with the adults. Hazel and Dax throw food around, making a bigger mess than I had expected them to make.

"Yeah, I'm doing fine. Just thinking about life and all the things I love about you guys." I wink, hoping they would drop the topic there.

"Awe, you love us. Why don't you share a few of the reasons? I could use a good twenty or so compliments." Natalie teases, getting out of her chair to care for her child.

"Sorry I couldn't come up with that many for you."

"Girls." My mother interjects, her tone strict. It was just enough that I knew I shouldn't press the issue anymore or else I'd have my butt handed to me.

I hadn't noticed before this moment, but the stereo hums in the background, playing Christmas songs. The lights were low, so we could see the glow from the Christmas tree in the center of the room. The open concept allows the reflection of colors to dance on the walls. Something about all of this just felt so magical. A part of me wanted to freeze this moment. But looking at James and Hazel made me start to dream again.

Maybe I could have it all?