Don't Be Afraid To Ask

*30* Saint Suppapong

Sure, Zee was trying to be cunning like an old fox again.  I knew what he was trying to do: he wanted to make New feel like he owed their fans something to go along with it.  A clever psychological trick, but apparently it didn't work on the young man.

— You're bringing up that old topic again — New sounded to be very tired.

— Or maybe you don't want your fans to know about me? —  I didn't like the tone of Zee's voice.  During our friendship, we argued sometimes, and the exact same tone in his voice meant that Zee was on the edge and if New said anything now, my former friend could easily explode.  This is what I feared the most.  Zee, when it erupts, is like a volcano, he can destroy everything in his path, regardless of the consequences, and when he is in love, he will do anything to prove to the loved one that he/she is worthy of him/her.  He will bravely take the blows on himself, pretending that nothing bad is happening, even though deep down he will be suffering.  And he will constantly apologize for everything, even if it wasn't his fault.

I've seen him like this once before, but until today I've never allowed myself to think about it.

P'Zee had been in love before, but he didn't talk to anyone about it, he was very secretive, and I had to wrest every secret from him almost by force or deceit.  I still haven't discovered who his affections were back then, I only know that it was someone younger.

— Yes, I don't want them to know about us! —  New exclaimed, standing up abruptly.  Zee got up too.

— NuNew! —  He shouted a warning, wanting to call him to order.  I saw the way he looked at him, he was furious, but he was giving him a chance to back off before he took his anger out on him.  He wasn't like that with anyone.  Zee could get real angry, he could show his anger, though he never resorted to violence, sometimes he chose silence, which was even worse, especially if you had something important to say and he ignored you.  This time it was different, his lips pressed into a thin line, his eyes wide open, and even from this distance I could clearly see his chest heaving up quickly.

— Come on Zee, I've had enough. Can't you see I'm doing this for you?  I want you to have a chance, I know what happens if we confess, and I don't want that, can't you understand?

— You said something else last week.

— Yeah, but I've been talking to P'Sky now and...

P'Zee didn't let him finish.

— I'll kill the son of a bitch if he interferes again!  Not only have I lost a friend because of him, but now he's trying to break us up!  Nu, we'll talk when I get back. — Zee started walking towards the exit and I panicked.  I didn't know what to do with myself, just like I didn't.  I froze as if that would make me invisible, but I wasn't a chameleon.  Zee noticed me.

—  Saint?  What are you...?  You've heard everything, right?

I was afraid to answer him, afraid to even look him in the eye.  I've never seen him so upset before, his words were so full of anger and hatred that it felt like he was stabbing my heart with knives and twisting them, causing me more and more pain.  I didn't know how to behave.  If this was a movie about us, I'd probably say something brilliant to calm him down or offer him help or at least apologize.

But it wasn't a movie and it wasn't about us, he was the main character, I only appeared episodically, for a moment, as a shadow from his past, following him like an overly attached phantom.

I expected him to hit me, I expected him to take his anger out on me, though he'd never been aggressive towards me before, didn't even defend himself when...

“Hit me —  I thought, and finally found the courage bordering on madness to look him straight in the eye. — Hit me, release yourself from this anger before it destroys you, I deserved it.  kill me, I won't mind, I know I hurt you and I deserve everything bad that happens to me. Hit me, yell at me, hurt me, but don't hurt this kid for whom you are the world“.