Desperate Love

Chapter 18-Letters

Dear Mom,   

 If I had only known what was going to happen to you that day, I would have never left our relationship as it was. My one regret is that I didn't fix anything with you. I know that we weren't in an argument that night, but we didn't have the greatest relationship either.  I wish with everything in my heart that I could go back and tell you how much I loved you. I wish that you would have taken me into your arms and told me how much you love me and that you wouldn't ever leave me.                                                                                                                                                                   You don't know how you looked by the time I arrived at the hospital. You were so horribly mangled. You were already gone, but they hadn't pulled the life support yet. To see you as I saw you...I'm so glad that I was able to say goodbye though. I choose to believe that you heard me and that you are with Dad, with none of the issues that hurt you before. And don't worry, I am doing my best to do right by Janette, Luci, Patrick, and Kenny. I had to sacrifice everything for them, but it was worth it. I hope that you are finally proud of me, that I am finally the daughter you wanted me to be. I love you, Mom.

 Love, Elisabeth

Daddy,                                                                                                                                                                                          

Why did you have to leave me? I needed you and I still do. I hate my life now. To do what I've done... I can't do life anymore. Not a day passes by that I don't think about ending it all and going to be with you. I'm haunted by memories that I can't remember and feelings that I have to suppress. You were my one and only friend, my confidante. You always stood up for me to Mom when she was on a rampage and now you're gone. GONE! I can't take the numbness or the pain anymore. You weren't there to protect me from those awful men who took advantage of my weakness. You weren't there to guide me and hug me and tell me everything was going to be alright. You weren't there when I killed that man. You were supposed to be here and I'm never going to see you again. Daddy, heaven seems so far away right now and I don't want to wait anymore! I want to be in your arms again and see your smile again and hear your sarcasm. All I can see now is you in that hospital bed slipping away from me. And there was nothing NOTHING I could do! I can't pretend anymore, because I'm not a strong person. I am so scared. 

 I've tried so hard to do right by Janette, Luci, Patrick, and Kenny. I hope you're not disappointed with my decisions. I did what you made me promise to do and they're safe. Now we have to live with Mark, and I should be grateful that I'm not in juvenile detention, but all I can think of is the life without you. When I was little I thought you would never die, you would always be there for me, but now I've learned. I've learned my lesson. I hate seeing Mark every day in the place that you should be. You were the best father in the world. Mark is a good man, very serious, but at least he's not a sadist motherf*cker like other fosters that I've heard about. But he's so different from you.

 I hate school too. All of the other kids hate me. They're so cruel to me every day. The girls love to try to get me in trouble with the teachers. And with all of the time I spent in Chicago before I was caught, trying to make money, it's only a matter of time before one of those underworld characters recognizes me. And when they do, what am I to do? If only you were here, you would tell me what to do. When you left, you knew you were leaving me behind alone. I don't understand why. I am running out of time. When I finish writing this letter to you, I have to go back to the tiring facade, always pretending to be strong, feigning ignorance and numbness, even while my soul is broken, crushed beyond belief. Sometimes I don't know if you would even recognize who I am anymore. I've changed so much. I can't believe how innocent and naive I once was. Hopefully you are watching from above.

Happy Father's Day to the one man that I still trust. You have always been my rock and I will always love you. I miss you so much.  

 I can't wait to see you again, Love, Elisabeth

I sighed as I put the letters in two envelopes and sealed them. I held them all the way to the cemetery. When we finally got there, Mark waited in the car and I undid the plastic container that was sealed and wedged in the ground next to the double grave. There were daffodils and carnations still budding on the not even year old grave as I watched my sisters and brothers put their letters and pictures into the box. Then it was my turn. I placed my letters in and prayed that they could read them. Then I put the box back into its niche in the ground and turned to go back to the car. I could feel the tears spring to my eyes, but I forced them back down again. I couldn't. Because once the door was opened, it would take everything in me to try to close it down again.