Don't Be Afraid To Ask

*22* Saint

— Okay, I promise —  He agreed, and then I began my story.  When I talked about the emails and messages in which I was blackmailed, I didn't mention the name of the person who did it, I wanted Perth to figure it out for himself, because if he figures it out, then maybe it will be equally obvious to others, and if he doesn't  I'll explain it to him at the end.

„Remember what you promised me, kid.  If you don't stick to the plan, your beloved Zee will suffer, do you want that?"

"Don't even dare go to the police with this.  If you do that, I'll kill your fag actor."

"Don't try to talk to New Chawarin, if you say a word to him, the boy will die!"

“You know me, you don't want me to use my influence, do you?  So don't step out of line."

All the messages were similar in tone and sent from different phone numbers.  I also showed him screenshots of hateful comments and death wishes directed at Zee.  I told them that there is also one and the same person behind them, who is persistently working to humiliate all the gay people working for our small company.  Among the comments there were very brutal and cruel entries.  A lot of people said Zee had no talent, that he had a bad voice, that his eyebrows were too big, that he was too fat, but that was nothing compared to the comments I read, screenshotted, and immediately deleted before  Zee had already read them.  "You should die, there's no place for people like you in the world", "You're sick, heal yourself", "I think someone should talk all this gay stuff out of his head", "I hope you die and no one will cry for you anyway"  "you are pathetic", "you bring us shame", "you are disgusting, bleh 🤮🤢" „you're ugly anyways, what's the point of trying to be actor? With that look you'll never succeed“... There were dozens of such words and they flowed from all over the world.  People felt unpunished because they knew that no justice system could handle several thousand similar messages, so they wrote whatever came to mind, inspired by a few negative reviews that I was able to ascertain were from fake accounts,  which I suspect belonged to the same person.

I had access to Zee's Instagram and Twitter account, he always trusted me and I was able to read all the messages freely.  I'd remove the negative ones by taking screenshots in advance so I'd have proof in case I needed to, then I'd lock myself in my room and sit on the floor next to my bed for hours and think.  Even then I wasn't allowed to talk to Zee, and yet I tried to protect him somehow.

I failed to.

This is what I regretted the most.

That I failed to protect Zee.

After some time, I found out that Zee fell into a depression.  I didn't think it was possible at all, he was always so joyful and cheerful around me, he smiled a lot, he liked to pull various jokes on me, he told not very funny jokes and he seemed incredibly strong and brave.  He seemed able to overcome any obstacle.  I thought he didn't care what other people thought, but it turned out that he really cared about the fans' opinion, he did a lot for them and felt guilty when they criticized him.  He always retreated and hid.  I found out that after we parted ways, he returned to his parents for weeks, not wanting to talk to anyone.  Only Max was in touch with him.  When he came back, he was very skinny and quite weak, he didn't enjoy dancing and singing, and P'Sky tortured me by sending me videos of Zee suffering so much.  He always said that it was my fault and that if I didn't want it to get worse, I had to listen to him and follow his orders politely.

And that's what I did: I followed orders.  I was an errand boy: worthless, humiliated, and unwanted, but I did so believing that at least I would make amends to Zee for letting P'Sky and his people hurt him.  I never let go of the guilt or the awareness of my great responsibility: one wrong move could destroy many lives, so I was careful, even this conversation was in a loud bar so no one could overhear us.  I kept looking from side to side to make sure no one was spying on us.  I was very anxious and nervous, and I was careful about what I drank.  Maybe it was paranoia?

— I have no one to ask for help, and I don't want Zee to be taken away from New as well, I want him to be happy and safe — I told to Perth.

—Are you saying it's one of us?

— Yeah, it's someone we both know and have worked with.

— And none of the actors?

— Uhm.

— Then I'm left with only one person who fits the description  He's the same man who got me a part in Cutie Pie The Series, P'Sky, right?

I wasn't surprised at how quickly he put the facts together, maybe it was that obvious.

It was getting crowded around us.  Nights at clubs like this tended to be loud and overcrowded.  Perth suggested we go for a walk through the streets of the city.  I had little choice but to worry about Zee, and knowing what P'Sky was capable of, I had to protect him somehow.  Whether I love him or not, Zee didn't deserve any suffering, and he's already been through so many bad things in his life.  I know that if it wasn't for his friends and the arrival of New in his life, he probably would have given up.  I should envy New and hate him for taking my place by his side, but I couldn't.  On the contrary, I was grateful to him for taking care of a person who was still very important to me.  New does for Zee everything Zee used to do for me, supports him, cheers him on, helps him rehearse his parts, cheers him up when things don't work out, turns embarrassing mishaps into funny moments that can be remembered with laughter instead of  embarrassment.  New was a true fan of Zee just like Zee used to be my fan.  I missed it a bit, but Pond was also a wonderful partner who often made me smile.  Pond has no idea what I've been through, and though I don't want to tell him, I know I'm going to have to.  He deserves to be honest, to know the truth, even if he hates me for it.  I prefer him to know from me, I'm not a coward, I'll tell him everything today as I told Perth.

— Zee hates me now, he thinks I broke up with him because I wanted to be with him... — I said sadly, looking ahead at the people rushing in different directions.  The city center was noisy, from time to time we were dazzled by the lights of cars passing by the nearby road.  No one paid any attention to us so I felt quite safe.

— You still love him, don't you?

- It's not so simple. He's still my brother...  I'm just worried about him, I'm afraid P'Sky will take away New from him too, he's letting them be together for now because they're promoting the show, but I'm sure he'll find a way to break them up like he did with us.  Could you watch them for me?  Please?  If anything happens, I'm always ready to help.

— You're a real hero — Perth said, but I didn't hear the mockery I expected.  Perth was very serious.  I wished I'd had the chance to co-star in any BL series with him because I'm pretty sure we'd get along great on set.  We met by chance at an audition for another show that neither of us had been cast on, so we went to a bar together to complain a bit.  Perth was very honest from the beginning, open to new acquaintances, but also quiet and calm, he had a very gentle and conciliatory character, but he could fight for his own like a lioness.  I have never seen him aggressive, he solves all his problems calmly.  Perhaps this was the reason why, despite his enormous talent, he did not get many roles: it was simply that he was not expected to be able to play literally everything.  Only... Only he could do it.  That's why I was glad that the crew of the new series decided to give it a chance.  He deserved it and I'm sure he'll do great.

— Thank you.

— For what?  I haven't done anything yet.

— For being here, that I can tell you everything, that you listen to me carefully.  Thank you.  Just please help me protect Zee and New.

— Fine, but let me talk to someone about this, I promise I won't mention your name as long as it's not critical.

—If it's not New and Zee, then you can tell anyone you think is important in this case.  I trust you.

Maybe it was also one of my many reasons why I fell into various traps?  Maybe I trusted people too easily and they took advantage of that?