newt- dysphoric.

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It's already night time here in the maze. Everyone is hanging out outside drinking and laughing. I still haven't gone out and talk to anyone tonight because I'm too anxious to leave my room.
I'm too dysphoric right now.. i feel like I'm ungrateful because normally i wouldn't arrive here with anything but supplies as a greenie, right? But when I woke up here a while back i was wearing a binder. Thank fuck for that because if I'm like this with a binder imagine without this goddamn thing. I would be in a constant state of bad dysphoria.
What if my chest isn't flat enough? What if my voice is too feminine? When i get exited about things or just happy in general my voice gets all high pitched and it always ruins my mood. I wish I was like the other guys. But noo i have to have feminine hips and big thighs and shit.
I get pushed out of my thoughts by newt coming to check up on me.
"Hey y/n, aren't you coming out?"
"Uh i don't know.." he notices me fidgeting anxiously so he walks over and sits next to me.
"What's wrong?" He asks holding my hand.
"It's nothing i don't want to bother you-"
"Please, love. Tell me what's making you anxious."
".. it's not a big deal, I'm just having a bad time with my dysphoria i know I'm probably over reacting and we have more important things to think about an-"
"Hey, you don't have to explain yourself for feeling things. I can't imagine the pain your going through but i know how much this gets to you."
"I just feel so ashamed of myself. I can't even look at my reflection without braking down. I wish I wasn't like this. I wish I didn't look like this, i wish my voice were deeper and didn't get high pitched when i get exited about something. I don't know what to do anymore, no matter how much i try i can never be good enough for myself and it's eating me alive." I say as tears start to silently roll down my face.
Newt doesn't say anything for a while he just hugs me as i cry a bit in his arms.
"I'm so sorry.. but let me tell you something. Even tho you feel like that about yourself i want you to know that for me you are perfect. You are the most handsome guy i know and I'm so proud to say that you out of anyone is my boyfriend. It doesn't matter what you were born as what matters is that you are who you are. Your the only you that exists. Your special and your enough just how you are. If you don't want to go hang out with the other guys you don't have to. Just know that everyone here loves and accepts you."
"I love you newt. Thank you for everything."
"I love you too."
"I think I'm a bit better now. You can go hang out with the others, I'll be out in a few minutes."
"Alright."
He kisses me than walks out.
After i calm myself down a bit i head to the others.
"Y/n! Hey man! We were wondering if you were gonna show up." Thomas says.
"Hey guys, sorry I'm kinda late tonight."

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