Don't Be Afraid To Ask

*14* Zee Pruk

Not answering and not being able to look me in the eye was a clear enough answer.

- Nu! - I said a warning.

I know I shouldn't raise my voice at him, he looked really scared. was he afraid of me? I didn't want that.

-NuNew... - I lowered my voice to a whisper, trying to make it softer. I touched his arm, wanting to show him that it was all just a misunderstanding.

- Hia... are you mad at me?

- I'm not angry - I replied.

- I can see it. You will not trick me. You are mad.

- You're right - I agreed, never taking my eyes off of him. - I'm angry, but not at you, but at myself. If I'd known you hadn't kissed before, I wouldn't have been so insistent. I was imagining too much. Sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you or scare you. Will you forgive me?

- Hia... You make me feel even more guilty...

- Unnecessarily. I misbehaved. Forgive me.

- Okay, let's not talk about it anymore, I knew what was in the script and agreed to it, the rest doesn't matter. - He clearly wasn't comfortable talking about it, so I let it go.

★ ★ ★

The next day I still couldn't get it out of my mind... I was reading the script, unsuccessfully trying to memorize my lines. I didn't like it at all. On the bench in front of me were bottles of water, a mug of half-empty coffee, half-eaten breakfast, a laptop, and a phone.

Now I was wondering how far we would go for P'Sky and our series? Do I have the right to wish something more would happen? Do I have any reason to hope that New will be the one I spend the rest of my life with? There was no doubt that I wanted it badly, but did I have the right to expect him to feel the same way?

In fact, he kissed me. He wanted it, but did he really? Or is it just instinctive behavior? He is still young, he may not understand certain things or his behavior. When I was his age, I was fucking stupid and blind. Even then, I told myself that I was interested in women. I wanted a normal life. I was afraid of exclusion and rejection.

How everything has changed!

When I look at Nu, I can imagine a "normal" life again, but part of it is not a woman, but this talented boy. He wakes me up in the morning with a tender kiss and he is the one performing at Wembley in front of thousands of fans chanting his name while I sit in the VIP box with our daughter or son cheering for him together. Yes, I went so far as to imagine it. For me Nu it is home, family, warmth, understanding, acceptance and love.

I don't know when or how it happened, I just realized one day that I want to take care of him forever, I want to be someone he can tell about everything, I want to be his shoulder to lean on when he's feeling down. I want to lead him through the darkest corners of the entertainment industry. I want him to have only me in his heart. I want him to be successful, to come home with a smile on his face and enthusiastically tell me about what happened that day while I prepare lunch or dinner for him. I want him to sit on my lap, I want to be able to just look at him without saying a word. With him, even silence is pleasant. With him I feel good, at ease, with him I can be goofy and childish as much as I want, and he doesn't criticize me.

I just want his company, his presence in my life. I want everyone to see what a priceless treasure this little urchin is.

I remembered my old dreams, which I had given up after the story with Saint, how much I wanted to find someone who would love and accept me for who I am. Then I gave it up, I thought nothing good would ever happen to me again, I was 27 years old, heartbroken and a world I had to rebuild slowly and alone. I told myself then that I was destined to be alone. I didn't know yet that something so unusual was waiting for me just around the corner. A miracle that happened when I had stopped believing in miracles.