Harem

Chapter 15: Messed Up

"Hero here, how can I help you?!" a loud and annoying voice tickled his ear once America had picked up the phone.

"Shut the hell up... oh my god, you're louder than I remember..." Russia mumbled.

"Man you shut the hell up you sound like you just woke up from a thirty-year coma!" America yelled. Russia felt like his ear drums were going to burst any second now.

"This is important! God damn!"

"I'm listening."

"The plan didn't work... long story short I got punched in the face," Russia mumbled.

"Aww, do you need me to call mommy to get you an ice pack?" God you're such a loser, it probably didn't even hurt that much."

"Have you ever had an angry German jump up and hit you so hard with his fist that your mouth started to bleed?"

"Well no, but-"

"That's what I fucking thought. Now let's wait a little bit to see how things go, and maybe, just maybe, it might have worked just enough that she doesn't like him anymore."

"Alright fine. I'll talk to you later."

"Yeah yeah screw you and shit I don't have the... wait what?" Russia was surprised that America hadn't insulted him.

"What you think I'm a dick all the time? Hah! For real now though, goodbye."

"Bye," Russia sighed, hanging up the phone. He laid his head back and let out a long sigh just before the key hole in his front door started to turn loudly.

"Hey Ru... er, you good?" Uzbekistan asked, walking in through his front door.

"Not really. What do you need now?" Russia mumbled.

"Nothing... I just came to check on you..." Uzbekistan slowly walked towards Russia.

"I'm not drunk, Uz. Stop trying to smell my breath."

"Sorry, sorry... uhm... you want me to get you your headphones so you can listen to music...?" Uzbekistan asked.

"That'd be nice," Russia smiled. Uzbekistan grabbed Russia's headphones from his room and brought them back to the living room. Russia had his phone out and was looking at Spotify.

"Here..."

"Thanks Uzbekistan," Russia said while he put on his headphones. He plugged them into his phone and laid his head back again, putting his forearm over his eyes.

"What are... you listening to?" Uzbekistan hesitated. He sat down on the couch right next to where Russia's head was.

"Моя голова винтом," Russia responded.

"That's a sad song... I assume something happened with Germany?" Uzbekistan mumbled, wondering if that was the right thing to say.

"How the fuck do you know that I like him?" Russia asked.

"Sorry! It's just super obvious, you've liked him for your whole life! And I've lived with you for almost your whole life so it's something I just picked up on!" Uzbekistan held his arms up to his face, shielding himself from Russia.

"I'm not gonna hit you, Uzbekistan. You really need to stop trying to shield yourself from me."

"I'm sorry... you just remind me so much of Father..."

"I never really understood why Father hated you so much."

"I killed his pet rat."

"You what."

"It was an accident! I thought it was moldy cheese so I threw it in the compost grinder!"

"You threw it in the compost grinder?!" At this point Russia was sitting up with his eyes wide staring straight into Uzbekistan's eyes. He couldn't believe what he was hearing.

"Can... can we not talk about this anymore...?" Uzbekistan begged.

"Yeah... just don't throw Syakhanytaya into my compost grinder please..." Russia mumbled, picking up his cat as it walked by. Syakhanytaya swatted at the floating moon and star above Uzbekistan's head and he chuckled.

"She's too cute to do that. And she doesn't look like moldy cheese, so I won't..." Uzbekistan seemed normal at first before he remembered who he was with. He just stared into Syakhanytaya's willow green eyes  and pet her fluffy gray fur. Needless to say Syakhanytaya was a big cat, mostly just so that she'd seem normal size to Russia. "What kind of cat is she?"

"Maine coon. Biggest I could find, but he still looks a little small to me," Russia explained. Мог голова винтом still played in the background through his headphones, which was ever so slightly audible to Uzbekistan.

"Okay... do you want me to stay... to help you feel better?" Uzbekistan asked timidly.

"I'm always happy to spend time with you, Uz," Russia smiled.

"Thanks... I don't really have anybody else to go to... Kazakhstan still hates me..." Uzbekistan mumbled. Russia sighed.

"I understand. I'm here for you, just as long as you are for me," Russia replied, putting a hand on Uzbekistan's shoulder. Uzbekistan smiled softly and, to his surprise, hugged Russia. Russia hugged him back and laughed. "I needed that."

"Me too, Rossiya."

.

America paced around his mansion, going all through the kitchen, living room, entertainment room, library, guest bedroom, laundry room, and even the nursery, which were all on the first floor. He was too lazy to go up the stairs just to come back down. Eventually he walked up to his office, feeling completely defeated. He slumped down into his office chair and slammed his head on the desk. What should I have expected? He wondered. Russia always messes things up, so I'll just have to do this by myself.

He hurried down his stairs and got into his favorite car, the Ford F-150. Then he realized something.

"I don't even know where I'm going," he mumbled to himself. He got out of his car and ran all the way back up into the office of his large mansion and he called the only person he could think of.

"Help me," he begged.

"I can't help you if I don't know what you need help with," Canada sighed.

"You know Germany better than I do... probably... so just fill me in on what he likes and stuff like that?"

"Ooh big brother has a crush eh?" Canada mocked.

"And you have Monopoly money. Now help me!" America demanded.

"Talk to Australia about having Monopoly money, he has it too!" Canada began. "But I guess I have to help you because I'm such a good little brother."

"Whatever. Now speak!"

"If you'd stop being the asshole of the world that'd help," Canada mumbled.

"Real advice please..."

"That was real advice!" 

"Something plausible!"

"I didn't know you knew such big words. He'll probably love you forever if you start being nice though. Like helping him out with his work or doing heroic things while he's watching like helping an old lady cross the street or something..."

"Great thanks!" America smiled. He hung up the phone the second he'd finished talking. "So I guess that's what I'll do, what I'm best at! Be a good person! Hahaha!" he laughed heroically.

.

Моя голова винтом = my head is spinning like a screw (my head is a screw?)

Rossiya = Russia

Arschgeige = ass violin (it's a common insult in Germany, don't judge)

*feel free to edit any of my translations in the comments, I'll gladly fix them! I love knowing more about your guys's culture and languages, so I'd love if you'd fill me in on any mistakes I make! love you <3

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