I like my face...now.
I used to not like it,
I would hide from mirrors,
Take pictures with filters,
Or even shy away from group photos and just be the photographer.
I wasnt deemed sexy, it was always that I was "cute."
Cute doesnt get the most men heading you way. Cute doesnt get you "flown out" or romantic dates and proposals. Cute gets you "Do you know how to cook?" and when can they come over to give you UNDER the bare minimum.
Frustrated, I go back to the mirror.
I try to see what they see. It's hard at first to look at my face because all I can focus on are all the flaws and what I dont see.
I try to smile but it seems force and then I realized I dont know what I look like.
Who is this person that is walking around with this face? Is this really me?
I start to panic, concentrating so hard to "fix my face."
Friends telling me that whatever 'aura' Im giving out or whatever is on my face is the reason for the men drought.
So basically its my fault, so I go back to the mirror.
I start reasoning with myself saying maybe if I buy this product to clear this problem up and moisturize more then maybe I can go from cute to hot.
I thought maybe if I pose a certain way and hold it, then people can see the side I want them to see.
We didnt even get to the body because everyone always goes back to the face.
I didnt even realize it but I was brushing my teeth with my eyes close because the person that was staring back at me was always so sad.
I was sad because I've wasted so many years allowing people to dictate what I look like.
Their opinions on their standards of beauty have created this black hole when I look in the mirror. Creating this emptiness that drops to the pit of my soul that I dont even want to look at the face that Ive been carrying around all my life.
Damn.
But one day, I went back to mirror.
I was determined to release these negative feelings about my face.
So I decided to do something that scared me,
But I had to prepare myself first.
I walked in the bathrooom and didnt turn the lights on yet.
I kept my eyes close and held my breath.
I knew today was the day that I would finally look at my reflection and "face" myself.
Today was the day I woke up tired of the damage I was doing to myself.
Thats when I realized what was wrong with me.
I wasnt sad because I was 'cute',
I wasnt avoiding mirrors because of vanity,
I wasnt sad because my roster was low damn near empty.
I was avoiding looking at myself because everything I thought that that I've done and gone through, I thought it was all over my face permenantly; I was ashamed.
I thought I looked tired and defeated
I thought my losses were hanging from my eyes.
Bracing myself, I flipped the switch, took a deep breath and opened my eyes.
The first thing I did was I cried because how could I not see how beautiful I was?!
How can I not see that my face still had that innocence that I thought I once lost?!
It was like my inner child was beginning to heal.
It was an overwhelming moment, one I will never forget.
I promised myself right then and there that I will talk to woman standing at the mirror and pour love and grace into her.
I promised that I would not allow anyone to make me feel low again including myself.
Last but never least, I would never let certain comments or lack there of compliments define who I am ever again.
Splashing the cold water on my face and patting it dry, I looked in the mirror and I smiled.
And for the first time, with me talking to and loving my reflection, she smiled back and that is "cute."
