The Love I First Denied [Anhane]

"Why am I like this..?" Chapter 4

I continued to look at An as she slept, she's so calm when she's asleep, I stayed up all night just looking at her and twirling her hair nonstop..ehe looks like I figured out my feelings, I loved her..I love this girl right here, how could I have been so blind..The love I first denied...I really just overlooked my own emotions without second thought...it does make sense, the times I've felt so flustered around her, the times I blushed when she got close...everything began to add up and all of my endless emotions eventually ended with tears in my eyes, I tried to keep the whimpering quiet because I didn't want to wake her up..she looked too cute to be woken up by a sloppy, disaster of a girl...I placed my head against her headboard and slowly drifted off to sleep.

[few hours later]

I open my eyes, trying to adjust to the light before realizing where I was, I shot up and began to look around frantically looking around..I was in An's bed...but how did I end up here?? I proceed to stand up on the side of the bed and walk downstairs, looking for An.

"Mornin there sleepyhead" An's dad said while drinking a cup of coffee.

"Good morning uh- do you know where An is?" I ask him.

"Honestly I have no idea where this girl goes, I'm sure she wouldn't leave you alone for that long so you could stick around" He replies.

"Aha..right"

"Hey could I ask you something?" He says.

"O-oh yeah sure"

"You're gonna care for my girl right?"

"H-huh?" I replied. I really wasn't expecting that question and I'm unsure which answer he'd want.

"Father knows best..I just want to make sure my daughter is in safe, caring hands..I'm sure you'll be well with her"

"What do you mean by that" I ask him.

"No no nothing, sorry to bother." I see him grin before turning back to pour another cup of coffee.

As I walk back upstairs I question what he said even more..."if I'm gonna care for An? I mean of course I'd be caring for her, she-" That's when I realized what he meant by that...how did he know...? I sit down on An's bed and look around, I noticed a cup of iced water on the bed with a paper placed under it, due to condensation, the paper had gotten slightly wet from the water but not to the point where it was dripping. I opened it up and the letter read:

"Good morning Kohane, I guess we stayed up a bit too long and passed out aha- anyways I put you on my bed since you seemed uncomfortable! I have some errands to run so you could stay and wait for me or just leave..TEXT ME THOUGH!!! -Yours Truly, An <3" 

Aha...seems strange of her to be ending her letters like that..and why would she write me a letter rather than just dropping a text? It's sort of heartening that she went out of her way to write a personal letter to me..and even had a heart at the end...perhaps I'm overthinking the heart but it really does make this seem like a love letter, especially with the "Yours Truly"..

I stand up again and decided to walk around her room, since I've only really been here so she could pick up a few things, I never took the time to look around. She had numerous photos hung up around her room, many of which were familiar faces like Haruka, Mizuki, Akito, Toya, Minori..there was one that I also saw the most actually, me. In fact, she has an entire area of the room just with photos of her and I together...ehe.. I guess she really does view me as a close friend...close friend...nothing more in her mind I guess..I continue to look around, she has pillows everywhere, it's like no matter where you go, there's always a pile of pillows nearby. I walk over to her desk, there's notes and lyrics everywhere..she really doesn't clean up the desk area that often huh? I decided to do the honors and pick up the papers, perhaps she'll be happy to have them somewhat sorted and she could organize them better later. I start from the papers on the floor and put them into a pile and pick up the ones on the table, while straightening them, a few small pieces of paper fall on the floor. I lean down to get them but stopped when I saw my name on the front..I unfolded one and it read:

"Dear [scratched out name], I have been meaning to tell you this for a while, I've been scared to admit to it but I actually really really like you...you've always been there for me as a friend, stayed when things got dark and continued during the happy times, everytime I see you, you make my heart flutter and I can't keep hiding these emotions...my dear [scratched out text], you don't have to accept but at least acknowledge this?"

A-An has a crush...of course she does, and she's more than free to love someone...even though it's not me..she's struggling to confess...sounds familar huh? I open the other letters and they appeared to be in similar format however...all the names were scratched or erased, I can't understand it....An..loves someone....yeah and it's probably someone who fits her style, someone who she could relate to more, someone worth staying for and could truly be a better fit than what I could ever be...how could I be so idiotic..I should know better...I should know that An could never call someone like me her girlfriend...never ever.. tears start forming in my eyes...why can't I stop them...please...make it stop....it hurts so bad..my heart is beating so fast yet I feel like it's slowing down at the same time...why is it me....why do I have to suffer through this....why did I have to get this overwhelming feeling just to have my world crash on me....

Why am I like this..?

[Story Word Count: 1063]