three rooms | nathan gardner

XIV

warnings: none, this is a goodbye :')
word count: 1324

__________________________

"We'll wrap Hesse up tomorrow. Class dismissed".

A river of students streamed outside the classroom and I was swimming in the middle of it.
We got out in the park and eventually everyone split in groups having places to be while I, for the first academic day ever, did not have a thing to do.

It was dusk, winter was not yet over.

I walked across the field and wandered. Yes, I just followed my feet. I was already tired, my bones cried for a comfy bed: I did not care.
Walking, walking until you no longer have a mind.

Oh, I bet you missed me.

The new year had just started and me and Gardner never spoke to each other since he got back to college.

Or rather, I spoke to him only when he had to test me for my oral exam, but don't think sexual tension and avoided stares: we buried into each other's eyes and never ever led the conversation change its path.
It was all very professional, stone cold even.

He never stopped me to talk about what we did in his manor, nor why did I run away.

I think he already knows.

And I was right, before you come at me for wanting an happy ending.

He was doing better than ever. Fit, proud, clean, softer. There was not a single shade of anger in his tone when he talked to students, not a glimpse of strictness in his movements when he walked around.
He was relaxed. Maybe he thought again before quitting teaching.

Seeing his life at peace made me happy, albeit it was the kind of happiness that kills you to make you smile once more.

When night fell I was still walking around, just not in college.
City streets stretched before my feet until I was able to reach the shore of the vast river, sitting on a rock.

There: pale moon rays beaming the still water, mirroring the infinite light of stars shining above heaven.
The peace. The soft waves.

It was my mother. The distant memories I had which always brought forth the sound of waves.
She used to take me to the river and just watch it flow, look at the seagulls, the ships padding on the transparent floor.

She loved me so much that when she died my brain shielded me from an unbearable pain, erasing her from my memory. Maybe that was my curse: searching for a love that could make me feel again.

A love that was onesided, where I was the one bound to breaking.

Gaze, hug, kiss, touch, breathe, swear, sweat, cry, kiss again, punch, shout and finally break. Crash out. Bleed out.
Crawl to the woods under a snowy mountain and disappear forever.

That was the love I wanted.

In short, death.

"The moon won't give you answers Miss Theller." his voice came down like thunder rattling my ground, yet I was aware that he was following me.

He never reached for me after the manor affaire, but he ever since been on my scent like a bounty hunter.

He knew I knew.

I simply let him take his time before finding the courage to address what we have done, the poisoned ivy we watched grow over our naked bodies.

"Yes, but did you find yours?" I replied, letting him sit beside me.

His harsh face wasn't so harsh anymore, a trace of guilt shimmered in his eyes but that was all that troubled him.

"I did. And the price you paid for me to find it... I was blind. I was an asshole. To watch your shattered edges glisten and laugh in lust, never thinking of glueing you back together."