Shattered Dreams

THIRTY-NINE.

"Good for him, it's about time he gets someone." I force out, thankful that I am turned away from Willem so he can't see the expression on my face.

"Yeah, it's just slightly annoying he's spending all of his time with her." He admits and I turn to face him, rolling my eyes.

"Aren't you doing the same thing with your girlfriend?" I ask him with my eyebrows raised and his cheeks turn slightly red.

"She's not my girlfriend." He states reluctantly, running his hand through his fluffy hair.

"Okay, Willem." I laugh and he picks up the pillow next to me so he can throw it at my head.

"I need to go to training now, will you be okay?" He asks me and I nod. I will be home alone when he leaves because mum and dad both are out of town tonight for a book signing my mum is doing. My dad always goes with my mum when she does these because he likes to see her achievements as it fills him with joy. I used to tag along with them, but circumstances change.

Like a lot of cases, I would be there if I could.

I look at my phone and see an email from college and immediately sigh as I wish it was something I didn't have to worry about at all. I look at the email and see that it is a copy of my new timetable, which has me going in for half a day on Tuesdays and Thursdays to split it up a bit more. My mum managed to get me a doctor's note a couple of days ago to say I can't handle being in school and that I am being investigated to see what's wrong with me.

I have no idea why the GP signed off on this doctor's note because they aren't investigating what's wrong with me at all, they are just leaving me here to suffer alone and in silence all while saying it's all in my head.

I read what Frank said in the email and he confirms that I have been dropped from my health and social care course, which upsets and eases me both at the same time. I'm at ease because it's one less thing I have to worry about and there's no point in me still being on that course as I wasn't putting anything towards it anyway and I'm upset because it's something I genuinely wanted to do with my life.

One day I was a teenager, who was working towards her future and now I have had to grow into an adult way too soon.

I turn my phone off and put it back under my pillow as I can't take being on it anymore. All my friends are just a contact away, yet not one of them has sent me a quick text message to wish me the best or to even see how I'm feeling.

I know that they might not know what to say to someone in my position, but at least they should let me know that they still care for me and haven't just pushed me to the side completely. It's awfully lonely watching everyone else do good things with their lives whilst I am rotting away in my bed.

I check the time and see that hockey training is nowhere near over so I get my notebook as I haven't looked in it in a short while and open it on a random page near the middle.

You have to do something other than hurt all the time.

This entry is dated from a few years ago and I attempt to shake off the emotion it brings me. I don't remember the context of why my mum said this to me on this specific night. It was probably because of an argument I had with Jasper or something, but reading it back now hits me with an unfamiliar feeling.

Whatever I was going through during this period couldn't have been that serious as I don't remember it now. At the time I probably thought it was the end of the world and things couldn't get any worse than what they were at this point but I was very wrong.

Now I can honestly say that whatever that was, it was something that was going to get better, which is the case for a lot of things in life, such as break ups and feeling sad some days. I probably felt like I was dying at the time and that it was going to be like that forever, but it certainly wasn't. I never expected things to actually get worse than what I felt at that moment, but it did.