THIRTEEN • Eren Jaeger

CHAPTER 8: Loop Four, II

Your conversation with Jean came after you talked with Eren, and that made it less meaningful, less intimate — not that your relationship had been anything but one-sided.

"Is it true?" Jean asked without turning. His voice was not the calm you were used to. His voice was shaking. You didn't like hurting him. Jean had always been your friend, but as a lover, your feelings were protected by walls as tall as the three sisters' legacies. "You kissed him back?"

You didn't have much else to say.

"Yes."

"Do you love Eren that way?"

Yes. Yes. Thousand times yes.

"I've gravitated to him, but I want to be with you." You felt like such an asshole for lying about your love to his face. You only ever stuck with Jean because of Eren, and now he could tell that you'd been thinking about Eren all this time. It was bound to happen.

"I see."

His voice was cold and lifeless. Like you'd sucked out every reason for him to stay alive. You felt so bad. Jean had introduced you to his mother, cared for you, and you repaid him by selfishly kissing the boy he'd been worrying about.

"I didn't want to hurt you."

"But you wanted Eren."

Silence.

Lying was pointless when the evidence was clear as day. You wanted the ground to swallow you whole.

"Hey," Jean said upon seeing your stricken face. He cupped your cheek and you leaned into his touch. "Hey. It's okay, alright? We'll get through this together, me and you. It's always been us."

"Of course," you said, a performative tear welling in your eyes before it fell. Jean leaned in to kiss you and you put as much effort as you could to kiss him back in a loving way.

Jean was convinced that you were just confused after how he treated you. He deluded himself into believing that it was just a rough patch in the relationship, even though it was not normal that you and Eren had something going on. At this point you were quite honest with yourself and well-aware that your relationship with Jean was purely transactional for Eren's sake.

Everyone in the Survey Corps caught on that you were basically having an emotional affair with Eren.

You tried to avoid Eren, but it was hard to miss the eye contact, the times he'd place a gentle hand on your back or your waist, the food he'd give you when you weren't eating enough. Each time he looked like he wanted to kiss you again, but decided against it. Knowing that you liked him despite the odds was enough to keep him moving forward.

Your grand plan was a failure. Being out of Eren's reach only made him want you more.

The one time Eren sought you out was before he initiated his rumbling scheme. You knew you had no choice but to comply. It wasn't like you could make Eren feel different about freeing you, like how Jean couldn't make you feel different about saving Eren.

"I'm leaving for Marley tomorrow," he said simply. He carefully watched your face to see how you'd react. He didn't expect you to nod reluctantly.

Eren let out a sigh of relief. That was a secret he didn't have to hold from you anymore. You were so perfect for him. You always understood and never made a fuss. He didn't know how you always knew his next move, but he was grateful that you were accepting of his devilish imperfections.

Resigning to the fact that you had to change tactics, you said quietly, "You don't have to do this, Eren."

You knew you should feel bad for allowing Eren to love you while you were in a relationship with Jean, but you did not. There was no use fighting the tide when it wanted to rise.