THIRTEEN • Eren Jaeger

CHAPTER 8: Loop Four, II

You looked to gauge Jean's reaction, but he stomped out, leaving you and Eren in silence.

You reluctantly motioned Eren to sit. Even though the air should have been awkward, you were still comfortable with him. The only thing that was awkward was the fact that you were with someone that wasn't him.

"One time in the Scouts, we were paired for combat training," Eren began. "You asked me to hit you and I did."

You could barely recall it. Eren had asked you to say something and you refused, eventually slapping him when he didn't get off.

Quietly he said, "I almost kissed you that day. When you were underneath me and your hair was sprawled out. I kept running my mouth because I wanted you near me. I thought I hated you, but I didn't."

You weren't surprised. "And then?"

"I don't know. I guess I just fought you because you fought me first and I convinced myself that I hated you. But I hated the way you made me feel, not you."

You could do it again if you wanted. You could kiss him and end things with Jean, make Eren yours. But it would be wrong. Loving Eren was something you wanted but couldn't do, not in this storyline.

"I hate that you're with Jean. I hate it. He's not good for you. No one will ever be good enough for you. Definitely not me."

"Eren, I never hated you either," you said softly. "But you know we can't be together."

"I know that," Eren said. "You want stability, and all I bring is chaos. But if there was a future where you could be free to love and be at peace, I would fight for you to have it."

"You wish you could love me freely," you guessed. "You wish... that I could love you back the same way."

Eren was disgruntled. "It sounds childish when you say it aloud."

"It's not," you said, placing a hand on his back. "I'd like to love freely, too. Whatever future you're thinking of, I'm sure there's a way we can find it peacefully."

"Your kids will live in a world where people beyond the walls hate them, [Name]," Eren said. "I don't want that. I want you to grow old and not have to suffer anymore."

Eren imagined it. A world where you were older, getting married to a faceless man, having children with him, and raising those children the same way you and Eren were raised together. The sadness of not being a part of that future coupled with the hatred for a hypothetical man for being likely to love you till your hair was gray made his heart clench. But if you were happy, that was enough.

"You... you do feel the same way, right?" Eren's voice had gone small, like he was that bashful child asking you to play with him again. "There's something between us."

You sighed. "There is," you admitted. "I... can we just say we're friends for now, please?"

"For now," Eren repeated. He smiled, a boyish smile you recognized as his old mischief. It hurt so much to see the ghosts of who he used to be. "Alright. I'll take that."

"But I really want to salvage what I can with Jean," you said gently. "He's still my boyfriend."

"I could be better."

"Maybe," you said. "But I still want to try it with him. I thought of a future for us."

Eren's face went slack, like he'd swallowed a lemon. Nevertheless, he nodded. It wasn't a nod that meant he'd behave. It was more like he was keen to take on the challenge of winning you over.

"Just know that I'm here for you," he said.

You kissed Eren on the cheek. Platonically. But when you pulled back, your eyes darted to his lips and he knew.