Let Me Rest For Awhile

the things i wish you knew

"hey, are we still friends?" you texted.

"you know you're speaking gibberish right?" i replied.

"i'm sorry i didn't tell you about her—about us earlier. i should've told you the day it happened."

i typed, "it's okay. we're still best friends. and i don't expect you to tell me everything. it's okay. i forgive you."

you said, "but i tell you everything. i literally tell you everything."

but i don't. on february 9th, you took me to a spot where winter leaves fall, where friends may become lovers, where first kisses were stolen and where you first held my waist unintentionally, raised my heart rate and i let my guard down for once in my life for a man... for you.. if i knew what was coming, i would've reached out and held your hand a little longer but i did not tell you that.

was it possible to not see you when you were always right beside me? i thought i understood what this meant but all at once, you were so loveable to me. my defense system made its way to protect this friendship from its undoing, from my own destruction, you know how i am, i saw the graveyard for our friendship. and this is what it has always been to you, friendship. but it's april now and i am confused. i saw you more than a best friend but i did not tell you that.

it wasn't until july that she appeared in your life. she's beautiful, she loves to buy merchandises, wears oversized black shirts and has a dobermann and i heard from a thousand miles away that she likes you a lot. you told me she was the only person you talk to and could relate to in your class although she's clearly in love with you but you brushed it off. you said you missed me a lot.

i think about you all the fucking time.

but i did not tell you that.

there was a guy who got me smitten over the summer. we talk on the phone at 3 a.m. on weekends, he made me laugh, made me blush. i told you about him and you made it seem like he rattles your cage and you wanted him gone like the rest of the "pathetic" guys i've talked to. you got scared that you might lose me as a friend but you were always whispering in my ear like venom and that felt like suicide to me and then i knew that i would fucking choose you. i would always choose you but i did not tell you that.

i turned 22 in october and my friends threw me a virtual birthday party at midnight. i heard nothing from you until you texted me at dawn with a simple "happy birthday, you mean a lot to me." and maybe i misinterpreted a little too much that i was completely unaware that you kissed her for the fifth time that night while i went crimson charmed over a simple text from you but i did not tell you that.

autumn began. i did not expect it but you told me everything that had happened between you and her the past few weeks. you had your first kiss with her in july, you've made out multiple times since then and you've been dating for a while now. i watch my feelings transit like scenes from a movie. the crucifixion of a girl who fell in love with her best friend, unrequited. the mourning has begun from your land to my land, i've always knew my love for you was a slowburn, a genre of tragedy.

we both felt the drift slowly. i want to run away from this. in the dream i didn't tell you, you held my hand tighter that you couldn't let me go. i'm sad by the notion that one day the fog will clear up and you might really see me as transparently vulnerable as i am today and you might stumble upon this prose. but for now, these pages are not meant for you and i consider them and myself unholy for needing you more than anything. but i will never tell you that.