heartache | b.e

nine

(tw; violence)

ivy
i had never been more scared of billie, if only she knew what i went through when i was younger.

i'm just not ready to tell her.

although i could get cleo to tell billie, i don't want billie asking to many questions and get to know to much bc cleo probably wouldn't know when to stop answering her questions.

but that's not the only thing stopping me.

billie could and probably would use it against me.

ash walked in my room and laid next to me.

"do you think billie would have done all of that if i would have told her about jeremy," i looked to her, "mom's ex jeremy ?" she asked, i nodded my head, "she doesn't know?" i nodded my head no, "i've only told cleo about everything that went on during our childhood," i told her.

"oh, well do you plan on ever telling her?" i shrugged my shoulders, "one day eventually, but not until she's better, she normally doesn't act out like this so maybe she's going through something," i told her, she nodded her head, showing she understood where i was coming from.

she walked out of my room, i suddenly got a call, i picked up my phone to see who it was and it was billie, although i was hurt and upset with her, i couldn't not answer.

"hello?" i said lowly, "hi," she said softly, "i would text you but i know you wouldn't read it, i'm sorry for what i put you through, and i'm sorry for everything i've done, i know i say that a lot but i really mean it. i just had been holding in a lot of anger and i ended up taking it out on you. i know it wasn't right, i didn't even take a moment to think what you're going through, i'm sorry ivy." her trembling voice spoke.

"thank you." was all i said to her, "i love you ivy, i really do, i don't know what's wrong with me, i'm sorry," she continued, "i love you too, i think we need some more time to our selves," i said lowly, "but— it's been a month," she stuttered, "i know billie, i miss you so much, but— i can't," my voice started to tremble, "please ivy, i'm sorry, i'll do better," billie begged.

"i'm sorry," i whispered before hanging up, i began sobbing.

i didn't wanna be apart from billie.

but i also couldn't be with billie.

it hurts being apart since we've been with each other every second since summer started.

it feels like a horrible break up and we're not even together.

-

it's been about three weeks. three hard weeks.

i missed billie so much, she was my only source of serotonin.

and i haven't had that in almost 2 months.

my mom, ash, cleo, even theo (my dealer) have all been trying everything to help me cheer up.

nothing worked.

it's like billie is the only cure to this endless black hole, but is also the cause of it getting deeper and darker.

id been using smoking as a get away, but that's not even working anymore.

i needed billie.