WILD//Caspian x reader

Secrets

The next days were a blur. I opted to stay in my room, either sleeping, which I was surprised I could do, or staring at the wall, thinking.

I wasn't mad at Trumpkin, he had done what was necessary for everyone. But it didn't stop the aching in my heart. In the time I spent thinking, my mind came to the word Grief multiple times. How such a little word held so much significance, yet looked so banal unless you ever felt what grief really is. 

And the long hours I've spent locked in my head, I came to a realization. Grief is love. And sometimes, if I overthought about it, all of that grief would gather up in the corner of my eyes. It would dig into my chest, making it hollow, and scratch the back of my throat with surprisingly sharp claws. It felt like all the love I ever gave to Ninabrik came back inside of me and was now fighting to go back to him. 

That's when I would stop thinking about it.

The second thing I thought about was love. It was overwhelmingly vast. I spent more time wanting to think about love than actually thinking about it. 

Another thing I thought about, oddly enough, was Aslan. I wondered, by what right did he earn his throne? I didn't think creation was a right to rule, but it wasn't today that I would defy Aslan. 

Lastly, I became tired of thinking, and I went to sleep.

- - - - - - - - - -

I and Caspian were sitting on the forest floor, both of us covered in butterflies. It felt familiar, but I couldn't quite place why. Behind Caspian was a copy of me, busy braiding a red flower crown. She looked strangely happy, almost floating on a cloud.

"Tell me a secret" Caspian's voice broke me from my observations.

"What kind of secret?" I responded, smiling.

He slowly shrugged, careful not to bother the butterflies resting on him "Any kind."

I turned my head toward one particular butterfly who was trying to move toward Caspian "I don't think I have any secrets."

"Liar." The copy of me intervened, not lifting her eyes from the flower crown. "There is a beautiful light in his eyes, yet his soul is being eaten by darkness. You wouldn't trade him for all the happiness in the world, would you?" I opened my mouth, but she didn't let me respond "The fact that you love him is a paradox in itself. Would I be wrong by saying you could study your feeling for centuries and never understand?" 

I looked away from her knowing gaze, and Caspian continued the conversation as if he didn't hear the other me.

"That's a lie. Everyone has secrets."

Again, the other me stopped me from responding "He's been haunting your thoughts ever since the moment you laid eyes on him. You've tried your best to remember him, you don't want him to become like the others, you need a face with the memories this time. So you've been gobbling up everything about him; the curve of his eyebrows, the wave of his hair, the sweep of his lashes, the rhythm of his steps. If you were to go to another world, you would be able to recognize him."

I frowned, irritated that she kept cutting me, and turned back to Caspian.

"Alright here's one: I'm afraid."

"Of what?" He smiled, chuckling slightly.

I kept silent for a moment, trying to see if the copy of myself would once again respond, and indeed, she did.

"Eternity. Oblivion. Rooms with too many people in them, authority figures, being alone for too long, and dying too old. Of him. He has complete control over your heart and you're scared he'll abuse his power. Of yourself. You've created so much chaos, destroyed so many lives, killed so many innocents."