Gold Rush | Ser Harwin

23.

Daerla

  "Welcome, Aunt," Rhaenyra says as we walk along the bridge. She instantly hugs me. I feel like crying, but I have no tears left. My eyes are raw and dry. I feel as though I'm already half dead.

  "Where is Harwin?" Daemon says as I step back from Rhaenyra. I look at my brother. He has a wife. He has a family. He has children with both of their parents. I hold onto Andres' hand and I take Aerlia from the nanny.

"Ser Harwin is," I look down. "He's dead." They both stare me and Aerlia presses her head into the curve of my neck. She misses her dad.

  I follow Rhaenyra and Daemon across the bridge. Daemos stands beside me. He has been too good to me these past few days. He is only 16. He's still a child yet he's taken it upon himself to care for me.

  When we walk inside I am reminded of my home. I grew up here. I watched my parents die here.

  "I've missed you Aunt," Rhaenyra says once we are inside the hall. I barely register it.

  "I should take the children to their rooms. They've had a long journey," I say as Aerlia cries in my arms.

"Of course," Rhaenyra says. "We've put you in your old room. Do you need me to come and help?"

"No," I say. "We'll be alright."

Daemos, Andres, Aerlia and I walk through the castle in silence. I miss Rhaena and Naerys. I hope they are both alright. I hope they are safe. If Aemond killed their father then who knows who he may kill next.

I remember the exact steps to my room. I hear distant giggling, it's my laughter. I open the door and it remains the same.

  "Mama," I look down at Andres. "Can we go to bed now?"

"Yes, my love," I say. "Daemos, take the children to the next room."

"Yes, mama," Daemos says as he takes Aerlia from me. I watch them leave and then my knees crumble from beneath me. I sit in the middle of the room. In the silence.

I can't live like this. I can't do it. I don't want to live another 20, 30 years without him. I can't do that. He's been dead a matter of days and It is killing me inside. I am so tired. I miss him. I miss him so much that it is straining my heart.

I climb into the bed I use to sleep in as a child. I curl up on my side. The sun has set and the sky is black. I lay on my side and stare out the window. Where is Harwin? Has he passed on to another world? Or is he simply gone?

I lay there for hours. My body refuses to sleep. If i sleep then I may forget him. Or maybe I'm scared that if i sleep i'll wake up and have to continue life without him.

  Everytime i shut my eyes i see his dead body. I see Aemond planting a sword through his chest.

  Aemond.

  Aemond.

  I let him get away. In my grief i let him go.

  I sit up in bed. I won't let him go free again. I pull on my cloak and grab Harwin's sword that i brought with me.

I open the door next to me and look at my children sleeping softly. Daemos, Andres and Aerlia. They will be safe here. Rhaenyra will care for them, I know she will. She will love them as I loved her.

  I shut the door behind me and walk out. I walk down the quiet corridor. It's late at night or early in the morning. Either way everyone is sleeping.

  I go down to the dragonpit. I was never a dragonrider. I was never gifted a dragon egg at birth. I have never ridden a dragon.

  "Aunt?" Lucerys walks down the stairs into the dragonpit.

  "Lucerys," I say. "You scared me. What are you doing up at this hour?"

  "What are you doing?" He says as he looks between me and the sleeping dragons.

  "I'm going to steal a dragon and ride to Kings Landing to kill Aemond Targaryen," I say plainly.

  "Because he killed your husband?" Lucerys says and I nod. "Did you know that Ser Isaac was my father?"

  "I did," I say. I'm not sure how Lucerys knows that himself.

  "He died in a fire," Lucerys says. "I was only young but I still remember how it felt. I know how it feels to lose someone who you love more than anything." I look away as the tears make my vision blurry. "You are the strongest person I know, you always have been. But if you go and kill Prince Aemond, you will not survive it."

  "Maybe that is for the best," I say. "Maybe then i can be reunited with my love."

  "If you do that then your children will be orphans," he says. "Aerlia is only a baby, she needs her mother."

  He's right. I know it.

  "You have a choice, Aunt," Lucerys says and he holds onto my hand. "You must chose death or life."

  "What is the point in life without him?" I ask, I don't know why I'm confiding in a child. But alas, I am.

  "The point is that your children can be raised knowing they are loved," he says. "And this way you can come up with a plan to punish Prince Aemond. To make his death as painful as what you are feeling now."

  Tears run down my face. I know I must choose life. I must live and I must love my children even more then possible.

  Lucerys puts his arms around me in a hug as I sob loudly.

  "You may never forget him, Aunt," Lucerys says. "But one day you will be able to smile and be happy again because that's what he'd want you to do. He loved you so much, everyone saw it. He wouldn't want you to he sad."