Counting Paths

Chapter 20.

"Oh, and you think I can?"

"Screw you!" He snaps. Then, through the dim lighting, I see his face twist in confusion, like the emotion of anger sneak up on him. He blinks a few times and shakes his head as if he's disagreeing with him. Then he looks at Sterling for a quick beat, and drags his gaze to me. "You don't know what it's like...you have no idea what I've been..." He shudders. "I had a younger sister. There was such a big age gap between us but we were so close. She was my best friend." He places his hand over his chest, directly over his heart, and takes a deep breath. "I should've seen the signs sooner-they were right there. Every morning it would take her an hour to get out of bed. Towards the end, she started having seizures in her sleep until one day she just didn't wake up. I stood there for so long...I knew she was dead but I couldn't feel anything. I wanted to cry, I knew I should've. I wanted to get mad but I didn't know how. I looked at her and told myself she was just sleeping so I would feel like less of a monster. After Bo died I took classes and medicine to try to fucking feeling something. I thought they weren't working but I continued it away. Then Sterling showed up...I think I'm scared. Looking at her scares me."

"Sterling is not your sister-"

"And I'm not her brother, yet here we are. It's fucked up and I know I shouldn't, but I look at her and I see my sister. Try to imagine what the sight of her like this does to me now."

I lower my head, inhale through my nose...exhale through my mouth, and I remind myself that beating him to death right now won't help anyone. I lift my head and look at him again. "You're not the only one that's lost someone, Russell."

The slightest flinch through his body tells me I caught him off guard, but the door opens and Kevin pokes his head in. "Luna's here."

"What?" I rush across the room and out into the hall, shoving Russell and Kevin out of the way.

I caught Luna before she can slip inside my bedroom. I grab her by her wrists. "I want to see her," she demands, fighting my hold.

"Kevin, go inside and lock the door behind you," I order him. He complies, and Luna makes a frustrated groan. "Go home, Luna."

"I want to see her!"

"Luna, stop," I say evenly.

"Let me go, Roland!" She tries to knee me in my crotch, but I easily block it.

"Agree to go home and I'll let you go."

"No!"

"Don't do this, Luna."

She's fighting tears. "Shut up! I want to see her!"

"Don't do this to yourself."

"ROLAND!"

"You can't!" I snap. "She's sick! And you know that so why the fuck are you here?!"

Tears pour out of her stormy gray eyes, her chin quivering. "Why are you here, Roland? How are you doing this...?"

A lump swells in my throat. It burns. My eyes sting with tears of my own. "Because Sterling needs me," I answer in a shaky voice.

She breaks down into sobs. I quickly release her wrists and fold her in my arms, holding her against my chest. I rest my chin on top of her head and cry quietly.

A couple of hours later...
Since Sterling fall asleep, she moved exactly three times, but now she's beginning to stir more. And more. And more. I put my book down and look at her. "Kid?" From my spot at the end of the bed, I grab her foot. "Sterling-"

She winces and curls into a ball. "Roland?"

I jump up and lean over her. "I'm right here."

"I'm cold," she shudders.

"Uh..." I place my hand on her forehead. "You're still hot."

"I'm cold!"

"Okay, okay." I pull the covers to her chin and tuck her in.

"Not enough."

"Okay. Can you sit up?" She groans but pushes herself up. I sit on the bed, pressed against the headboard, and she curls up at my side. "How's that?"

"Body heat," she shivers. I tuck her in the best I can from this position and start to play with her hair. "I'm sorry, Roland."

"Shhh...you don't need to apologize."

"Can you tell me a story?"

"How about the truth? I owe you the truth."

"Okay."

I close my eyes. "I have a son. His name is Lisi, he's five years old, and he's dying from lung cancer."

I feel her shift against me. "Roland?"

I'm not sure if she's looking at me, but I shake my head anyway. "When I meet Luna, I didn't tell her about my reputation as King. I kept it from her because I actually liked her, and I didn't want the truth of my lifestyle to cloud her judgment. I was right to keep it from her. When she found out she was pregnant, she somehow also managed to find out what I do. She called a power-craved monster and promised me I would never know my child. I didn't care at first. I told myself that Luna would move on, find someone better, and someone else would raise my kid as their own. But a few months after his first birthday, he was diagnosed with cancer. Luna couldn't afford all the medical bills. She couldn't work and be there with him, so she put her pride aside and came to me.

"I realized that this kid...the result of a drunken night...this living thing was my son. He was a part of me. I worked my ass off as King to earn more money, I did things my grandmother never had to do so my son would have a chance at life, at a good life when he survives this, but Luna took it the wrong way. She used the reasons for keeping my son alive as reasons to keep me away from him. She insisted I was too dangerous to be with him, that people would come after me and our son would get in the crossfire. I never saw myself as ever being a father, I never wanted a kid, so I stayed away.

"But for the last few years, I dunno, I guess it's because I'm getting older or-or-or-whatever the hell it is, I wanted to be there. I wanted to at least meet him, to know what he looks like..."

I wince and bang my head against the headboard.

Sterling takes my hand, and I realize I'm shaking.

"Luna said I can make an honest living and still support our son," I continue. "She said if I got a real job, I could get a picture of him, but I can't...I suck at everything honest and good. But she recently found out about you-"

"That's why she wanted to see how you are with me," Sterling whispers.

I try to nod. "She wants to know if I'm capable of being a father."

There's a quick pause.

"Zero-eight, twenty-five...that's his birthday."

"Yeah..."

"I'm so sorry, Roland."

"Don't be. You helped me realize I can be a father, or the closest thing to one, and you gave me a real chance to meet my son."

"I love you, Roland."

"I love you too, kid."