Don't Be Afraid To Ask

*8* NuNew

— But we're not together!  And I'm not going to cheat anyone! This is not right!  — I raised my voice a second time.  I didn't want it to be like that, I liked Zee, but his lack of any kind of reaction or trying to contain P'Sky hurt me very badly.  P'Zee just sat there, staring at his fingernails as if it didn't matter to him.  Does he even have a heart?  Did he even think for a moment about what I feel and do I want it?  I'm not like that.  I like challenges, but I don't like when someone forces me to do something that I feel uncomfortable with, because we hardly knew each other, we didn't know much about each other, we only shot a few scenes together, and although there was good chemistry between us, I didn't want it to be forced, I wanted us to become close in a natural way, not because someone forces us to do so.  What it was like playing on the show and something else like that, I wasn't thrilled about it.  —  You can't make us do this!

— This is part of your work, you have signed a contract, the promotion of our series is part of your duties.  This is how it works, has no one explained to you?  This PR is very important in your work.  Many famous artists do this, you surely know Harry Styles, he does that to — Why was there a note of impatience and anger vibrating in his voice when the name was pronounced?  Had he hated this British singer and actor so much?  But why? From what I knew Styles also didn't wanted to go out with women, but he didn't have much of choice. Will it be the same with me? Did I just signed contract to lose my freedom? Will it be worth it? I don't want this... I don't...

—  B-but ... —  I tried to protest.

— There is no" but ", Nong New, you'll just do it. Besides, how is it different to you from being on the show?

— The fact that the viewers are aware that this is fiction, and what you are proposing is simple deception and filth, I don't want to take part in this.

— Then you can come home.  I can assure you that there are a dozen equally good candidates waiting for this chance, who will take the role with a kiss of the hand and won't be picky.  How were you going to make a living in the entertainment industry when you can't be professional?  It's your job, if you want to prove you're worth something then just do it.

We faced each other with icy glances, while P'Zee just sat still and didn't say a word, didn't help me, didn't support me, didn't explain to our boss how bad what he was proposing was.  I didn't want to lie to viewers and fans if we had them.  I believed that with honest and reliable work I would be able to earn their respect and that there would be no need to resort to such weak tricks.

— So what do you expect of us?  I want to know, I want to be clear — I persisted, not giving up.  I pretended to start playing his game, that I was accepting his rules. I wanted him to believe that I'd do anything for career. If Zee was silent, I didn't have choice.

— Oh, this question makes more sense.  We'll discuss this in the evening with a glass of something stronger, I'll give you a moment to breathe.

— I don't want to wait, I want to know now —  I didn't let go.  I approached P'Sky, rested my hands on the top of the desk, and looked bravely into his eyes, expressionless eyes like broken-glass windows overlooking an abandoned building, long burnt down in some fire.  Those eyes looked more like a demon's blind...  An uncontrollable shiver ran through my body, but I showed no weakness.  Now I was starting to treat P'Sky not as my employer, but more as my opponent.

Zee suddenly grabbed my arm.

— NuNew, get over it.  P'Sky, forgive him, it's the first time for him, I'll talk to him.

— Okay, I'm counting on you.  Now you can go out, I have a lot of backlog of work — He chased us out of his office.  Zee pulled me down the hall with him.  I didn't want to go anywhere with him, I didn't want to talk to him or see him in front of me, I couldn't even describe how much he had let me down and hurt me.  I tore my arm away and started running forward.  I ran down the stairs without even waiting for the elevator and flew outside the building.  I looked around and ran right towards the hotel where I was staying.  I didn't care what people around me would think of me when they saw a boy running in a light purple short-sleeved shirt and long black pants that I was told to wear for a photo shoot.

I wanted to get as far away from P'Zee as possible, which turned out to be false and two-faced.  I didn't want to trust him anymore, I didn't want to like him anymore.  There was only one thought in my head:

"You cheated on me, P'Zee.  I thought you were on my side and you sold us both.  You cheated me".

And it was the worst pain I ever felt. I was so disappointed. I really hoped that Zee will help me, I thought he was by my side. And this, what happened, means that I mean nothing to him, I'm just a work and all what he did for me, was fake. He wanted to win me just because he wanted to make his own career bigger, he wanted to achieve success and he didn't care how painful it will be for me.

I knew that live and work in enteraintment industry is hard, that you have to fight all the time, be strong, not give up, sometimes you have to force yourself to do something what makes you feel ashamed or disgusted, but I didn't expect this. I liked Zee from the very first day, even tho he scared me a bit. I trusted him. And maybe at the end I'd agree to pretend to be his boyfriend, but not in that way. I liked his touch, his smile, his voice, I liked the way he was taking care of me but it turns out it was all fake, he is great actor and I fucking forgot about it.

I cried, I couldn't stop. It was too painful to keep it inside. At this moment I didn't care if someone sees me. I wasn't famous yet, so people on the street didn't care about me. Nobody paid attention to me, but I was thankful for this, I didn't know if I would be able to talk with anyone. 

I wanted to scream so loud that my lungs would explode. The pain inside me tugged at my heart like a bird of prey, like an eagle eating a hunted hare.