Sex, Drugs & No Idea

20: A Pirate's Life

"So," Golem said, settling himself in his deckchair, adjusting the straw in his mango daiquiri, and stripping off his top to reveal a heavily thatched chest. "So," he said again, this time directing the word at Will, "carpet-burn? The doctor was sure it was just carpet-burn?"

"Yup. Friction burn he called it. Must've just been her shaved pubes on my skin. I'm lucky I wasn't immolated."

Hugo shook his head in wonder. "You lucky son of a bitch, mate."

"Bet that's scared you into using a rubber next time, ain't it?" said Frenchy, twisting at his moustache which was getting longer and droopier by the day.

"Hell. Yes," said Will. "I'm wearing one right now."

They all laughed.

"How's the scrotal hernia coming along, Golem?" Will asked. His mood really had been buoyed by his brush with forced celibacy and he was sharing around the good spirits with commendable magnanimity.

Golem took a long sip from his glass of good spirits and said, "Fine. Thanks for asking." He adjusted his shorts unconsciously.

Their junk boat––the poetically and modestly named, Legendary Orchid––headed sedately out into the calm emerald waters. Charlie was partnered, once more, with Golem on their three-day cruise. When they went below decks Charlie was blown away by what ninety-four dollars per person had bought them.

"Good grief," said Golem, barging past Charlie with his ridiculous bowling ball bag luggage and stopping in his tracks. "Is this our room?"

"Cabin two, mate. This is us apparently."

"I thought we picked mid-range," Golem said.

"Well, yeah. It worked out to be a little bit more expensive per night per person than the hostels we've been staying in."

"Blimey," said Golem. "It's worth it, huh? Some of those hostels literally smelt like poo."

Charlie nodded and dumped his pack at the foot of the beautifully made up double bed.

"Oi," said Golem. "Why do you get the double? I'm taller."

"You had a chance to throw your bag on the bed and claim it in the honourable fashion and you didn't take it."

"What if I get lucky tonight?"

"Mate, if you can find a chick who has a fetish for men with three testicles then I'll happily surrender the bed to you. Alright?"

The cabin was clean and airy and full of light coming in through the generous windows that looked out over the green waters of the bay. A door led outside to a small balcony with a table and a couple of chairs. "I think we must've somehow lucked it," Charlie said, "and got a bargain price with a fairly decent outfit."

"Wouldn't it be nice to travel and stay in places like this the whole time," Golem said wistfully.

"Yeah. Nah. Shitty hostels are all part of the experience aren't they?" Charlie said.

"Yeah, I get that, but what I'm saying is, that it'd be great to travel like this most of the time, and then every now and again throw in some festering crap-hole for the sake of novelty."

Charlie had to admit that sounded quite nice.

"Makes a change from the usual anyway, I must say," Golem continued.

"Maybe if we spent less time drinking and more time researching we'd stumble across a few more deals like this," Charlie mused.

They both looked at each other.