My Kinda Large Book of Feelings

Just a Little Sad

Some days I feel...Sad. But the sadness I feel on those days is not always the same. I've learned that I have four kinds of sadness.

Sadness #1) The Monster

Some days I feel like the whole world is against me. I feel like no one likes me as a person and that I'd be better off alone, probably dying in some secluded and dark place. I always find my failures and focus only on those failures. I never acknowledge when something good happens, no matter how small. This sadness sticks to me like tar. It traps me in a shell that silences joy, laughter, or anything resembling happiness.

On those days, I hide in my room. I turn off all the lights and pull the blankets over my face. I listen to sad music and cry, but the sadness never entirely leaves. Instead, it traps me in a corner and suffocates me slowly. In a manner so unbearable, I can only wish I were dead. Those days, my sadness is a monster created only to tear me apart from the inside. A beast that no one can see or save me from.

Sadness #2) The Shadow

Some days, I feel only slightly sad. It's the kind that I can easily ignore. Something that I can push aside to focus on other things.

But akin to a shadow, it's always there. It's easily ignored, but it never leaves. And like a shadow, you can only be rid of it when you're in the dark.

So I block out any light in my room. I sit in the dark and stare at nothing. I stare and think because that's all I can do with this sadness. With this type of sadness, silence is my best friend. Silence allows me to think without distractions. Without the crying, the talking, music, or videos playing in the background.

This type of sadness is a shadow. It follows me through the light of day, and the lights lit when it's dark. It's unnoticeable until I'm in the dark and can focus purely on it.

Sadness #3) The Bandage

This type of sadness is rare for me to feel.

This sadness is a hug in disguise. It's a healing kind of sad. It brings closure and solutions followed closely by happiness. It's acceptance-the calm after a storm.

I found happiness through being this sad.

It's the only sadness I will fully embrace as it takes me into its arms. I will allow this sadness to heal me after I've been hurt, to take the pieces of my heart and put them back together. I'll allow this sadness to sit with me in an empty room. I'll let it guide me through the maze of my thoughts to the exit.

This sadness is my bandage. My healer.

Sadness #4) The Inhumane One

This sadness is horrible. It turns me into someone else. Into something else. It plays with my emotions and forces me to hurt others. I lash out like a wounded animal and do things without thinking.

It's panic-inducing. It forces me up a wall only to make me jump afterward. It shatters any sense of logic and hones in on my weaknesses. It plays with my insecurities and enhances my worries.

This sadness forces me to doubt the ones I love the most. It tells me no one truly loves me, and no one ever will. It tells me I'm better off dead and should do something to fulfill that deed.

This sadness forces me to try things. It makes me try to kill myself. It makes me write suicide notes only to tear them to pieces. It makes me wish certain things would happen to me so I can feel something besides it.

It's the person controlling the puppet-pulling all the strings.

It's sadistic and only lives to see me suffer.

I have four types of sadness: the Monster, the Shadow, the Bandage, and the Inhumane One. They're more complex than I've written, but such a description would require a whole book.

Congratulations stranger! You've made it through the first emotion. Can you make it through the rest?