THIRTEEN • Eren Jaeger

CHAPTER 5: Loop Three, I

Gone was the firelight. He was shrouded in darkness this time, lit only by the moon. His hair was sticking up in the back, and on that basis alone you thought that his boyish look was charming, even if it was the kind of look that would make his mother frown and tell him to comb his hair.

For a moment, you only looked at each other, unsure what to say.

Then he admitted, "You're my first kiss."

In all your lives, it was the first time you ever felt someone's lips against yours. Truthfully, you'd wondered what it would feel like, but you never knew until now. Hearing him say it out loud made your insides rattle with a strange satisfaction.

"Me too," you said. "I've never been kissed before."

Eren stared at his boots. "I'm kind of hoping you're going to be my last, too."

You laughed. "Last what?"

"Kiss. I don't want to kiss anyone other than you."

The ground was blanketed in thick white snow, like sheep's wool. It was beautiful and hushed, and your heart nearly hurt with the pleasure of it. You realized it was because when you were alone with Eren, all the noise in your head seemed to quiet down, and suddenly it was just you and him, with no world threatening to tear apart at the next moment.

Eren was looking at you with a half-smile on his face. It gave you a nervous flutter in your chest.

"I don't get you sometimes, [Name]," Eren said, tilting his head to the side. His nose scrunched up, like a bear cub in winter. "And I hate that because I feel like I've spent my whole life watching you. Remember? When I was a kid—"

"You yanked my arm and smiled when I yelped in pain," you supplied.

"—I wanted you to be part of all the games we played outside, and you always did it reluctantly..."

"I wanted to be there," you assured him. "Every time. Those were some of the best days of my lives."

Eren gave you another quizzical look. "Lives?"

You cursed yourself.

"I meant to say life, singular," you said. "It's like, uh, we've been through so much that it's like our life story got separated into before and after. Different lives."

"Different lives," repeated Eren.

Annoyed with yourself for slipping up, you didn't say anything else. You and Eren stayed quiet for a few minutes more, lost in your thoughts. Then he piped up.

"Why did you... what made you think I liked Krista?"

You shrugged, like it didn't matter. "Dunno. Everybody likes her, so I figured I should be your wingwoman and help you out. You're my best friend, after all."

The smile on his face lowered. You wanted to slap yourself at that very moment. But he couldn't be serious... there was no way Eren would ever reciprocate the way you felt about him in your first life. Getting into a relationship would be disastrous, because then you'd always be hiding something from him, and he'd be hurt, and you were afraid that he'd never want to see you again.

Ugh. It was probably your teenage hormones speaking anyway. It was only natural that you'd feel some sort of attraction to the closest boy.

Eren took a deep breath. "[Name]... I don't like Krista that way. I like someone else."

Stupidly, you asked, "Who?"

"[Name]," Eren sighed, "you're making this hard for me."

"I just... Eren, I-I—"

It came so early.

You'd had conversations like this before.

And the pattern was always the same: you would call him your best friend, and he'd begin to make a move on you, and you'd find yourself unable to answer him.

"Somewhere far away," Eren interrupted you, "there's something called an ocean. It's like a giant saltwater lake."

"You've told me this before," you said truthfully.

Eren cracked a small smile. "And you listened."

"I don't get tired of hearing it."

"You're going to hear me say it again."

"Eughhh."

Eren laughed. Your stomach swooped. You loved the sound of his laugh so much. You loved the way the corners of his mouth lifted, the tiny dimples on the corners of his cheeks.

"[Name]," Eren said, grabbing your arms. "Just... try to live, okay? I want you to be able to swim it freely, once all the Titans are gone."

Your heart fell. "It will happen."

A snowflake fell on the tip of his nose. You stared at it before lifting a finger to tap it off.

Your hand decided to rest on Eren's neck. It was as though your brain wasn't in control, like it was forcing itself to attach to him. His body was warm, so comforting, like you could hug him and all your problems would disappear.

You stared into each other's eyes with bated breaths. There were snowflakes in his lashes.

"We're just friends," you said quietly, but it sounded weak against the midnight howl.

"Just friends," Eren repeated, looking at your lips.

"That's all," you said, but you were getting tired of lying.

"Just friends," Eren whispered, like he was taking a bite of the sweet, forbidden fruit as he slowly leaned in.

Fuck it.

Your eyes fluttered shut, and your legs turned to jelly as your hands rested on the sides of his neck, tilting him to your head.

Greed was a sin you reveled in. Eren held your face with both hands, and pulled you close as you began to kiss. Your thumbs brushed the hair behind his ears as his tongue inched out just enough to lick your lips, making you shiver.

You loved the simplicity, the candor. It was in everything good about youth—untouched, honest, human—and in the way his tongue was entering your mouth and feeling everything within without inhibition confirmed that he felt strongly about you, desperate enough to risk holding you close.

A cold wind blew, pushing you into Eren's chest as you detached lips. He steadied you, and the spell broke. You looked at him with wide eyes as he led you back inside, before another blizzard took over.

"Your handkerchief fell," he said loudly over the wind.

Krista's bloody wipe was buried in the snow. Eren bent down to pick it up.

Another gust of wind blew so hard that for a moment, all you could see was snow. When it passed, and you called out Eren's name, you saw him standing frozen in place, snow all over his coat, eyes transfixed on Krista's bloody handkerchief with a horrified expression.

"Oh, God," you murmured, suddenly regretful.

You should have known.

You thought Eren had to kiss someone with royal blood.

You never knew that him literally touching the actual blood worked as well.

"Eren."

His eyes slowly lifted towards yours, and you only saw the Eren you once knew staring back at you. Eren looked at you as though your image was a lifeline.

"What the hell..." he said with a shaky voice, "...did I just see?"