Countryhumans Headcanons and Theories

How To Avoid Attacks From Third Reich

So! You've managed to piss off the genocidal german midget. Wow you are dumb! That- that was a bad decision on your part. Now, while I'd like to inquire about what you did and mock your arrogence? bravery? stupidity? now is not the time. YOU"RE GONNA DIE!!!!

So because you are reading this I assume you are in a location away from Third's immediate murder vicinity. So we will discuss preparation first.

Part One

Supplies

You will need:

At least one high power gun

Snow and Ice (a snow maker is optional but works well if you live in a warm climate or if you did this in summer)

A flamethrower (if you dont have an authentic one then you can use the hairspray lighter trick)

Somekind of communist symbol

a music player (optional)

A first aid kit (for the aftermath)

Part two

Defensive Measures

Alright. First part to this is picking a good location is key. There are 2 ideal locations I doubt you are in right now. First perfect location is in some sort of hidden underground bunker. That hides you very well. The second location is in a tank, preferably of the Russian variety. In fact, all of the supplies you need seem to work better if they are from Russia. No one knows why. Maybe it reminds Reich of the time he and USSR were "friends with benefits" (lies they were clearly gay for each other). Or it could be because USSR was basically the one who defeated Nazi Germany and that scares Reich.

Well, as you likely don't have access to either of those, a smaller house is better than a big one. Make sure the locks on the doors and windows (yes you need lockable windows or windows that dont open) are strong. They won't do anything but they will alert you of Reich's presence when he inevitably reaches you.

So the first thing you want to do is surround the building you are hiding in with the snow and ice. This will likely keep him out or at least slow Third down. He hates cold, clearly seen by the failure of Operation Barbarossa. 

Next, place communist symbols throughout the building. I don't care if you are the most capitalistic American out there, YOU NEED TO DO THIS! As I hope you know, the enemy of a Nazi is a Communist. Put Soviet Union flags in the windows. Place the hammer and sickle on a visible shelf. If you are using some kind of music playing device (phone works but is not the best option as the audio isn't that loud) play the Soviet National Anthem. A one-hour version. 

Part 3

During An Attack

So hopefully he isn't here yet. If he's anywhere close hope the cold slowed him down. 

So when Third arrives at your location, (believe me, even tho he's got hella short legs, he is shockingly fast when he's ready to murder) you should have the high-power gun and the flamethrower. Let's unpack the latter first.

So despite what I told you about the cold, fire works well on Third Reich too. When HE attacks you want to get fairly close, then BUUURRRRRNN!!!!!! Let your inner arsonist free. Still be careful of burning the building down tho. 

Next, the high-power gun, you use it like you thin k you would. SHOOT THAT MOTHER FUCKER IN THE FUCKING FACE!!! It'll be easier that you think tho, because the swastika actually makes a great target. 

Keep going until he eventually gets tired, or until you get visibly injured. The psycho is satisfied with that.

Part 4

Do's and Don'ts

DO stay on high alert. He's very agile and will try to kill you with any slight advantage he has. 

DO use height to your advantage. He is of course hella short, so if you are tall or have high areas to climb onto(high countertops, tall table, fireplace maybe) USE IT!

DO ignore his taunts. He is fucked in the head and knows how to create fear with his words. 

DO be prepared to get injured. Same as any other knife fight, YOU WILL GET STABBED! When it's over, use the first aid kit to treat your injuries. If they are severe, go to Switzerland, or your local Urgent Care center. He is very skilled with the butcher knife.

DON'T use german anything. FOr some reason it pisses him off more? IDK why

DON'T give off any polish vibes. Seriously, why would you? It's hella dangerous.

DON'T taunt him back. LOL why? you got into this whole mess doing that! IF YOU ARE READING THIS YOU DON'T WANT TO BE STUPID!!!!!

DON'T let him bite you. It's basically the same as getting bit by a giant piranha, and I'm pretty sure he doesn't brush his teeth so you might get a real bad infection.

Part 5

Aftermath

This is a simple part. Just treat your wounds. Clean up the blood, and be VERY WARY for the rest of the day and possibly even the next day.

Part 6

Exceptions

So there are some exceptions to the way attacks work. 

#1. a failed attack

If Reich chooses not to attack you, BE VERY WARY! If you followed the preparation instructions right, he may still be waiting outside the barrier. If you leave too soon, he will attack you outside safety, and there's no hope for you.

#2. Special privileges

So you may have access to special protection. First is if you own a tank. Don't do all that prep shit, just dive into that.

Additionally, if you are a communist, or just very likeable and special, you are probably friends with USSR. So you can just give him a call and he will sort this out for you. And by sort this out I mean he will fight Third Reich so hard. 

OK so that is how you survive an attack from Third Reich.

Uh, can you tell me what you said/did to piss him off?

I just really wanna know.

for uh, research purposes.

You uh, wouldn't happen to have any documentation would you?