REM // Van McCann

80. Do Things Over Again

I stuck my fork into the coxinha (Brazilian chicken croquette) to break it into smaller pieces. I took a bite, surprised by how flavorful the chicken was and I told Florence to try it. We were having fun trying new foods and discussing what we thought about it. After we left the café, Florence noticed a pastry shop called Manteigaria which apparently serves the best pastéis de nata. She asked that we go in and bought half a dozen for us to snack on during the tour, though we destroyed half of it right outside the shop. The pastry was crispy and flaky, and the custard was still warm and creamy. They gave us powdered sugar but it was already delicious on its own. The cinnamon, however, did enhance the flavor and we were left licking our fingers clean.

I was originally nervous about traveling with Florence. I thought we'd bicker—don't get me wrong, we still do—but we've not gotten to the point we can't stand each other yet. We both had the same curiosity wanting to explore new places, try new foods, and meet new people. And as much as we valued our sleep, we valued making the most of our trip even more.

It was finally time for our walking tour so we made our way to the meeting point and checked in with the tour guide. There were a few others as well; the last thing I wanted was for there to be so few of us. The weather app said it was supposed to rain, and it must've did so in the early morning hours because the ground was still damp when we got breakfast. But because we slept in later than we wanted, we actually missed the rain. The clouds were beginning to clear and the sun shined through which was promising for the tower at sunset.

The walking tour was a good one. It wasn't rushed and the tour guide did a great job showing us the main attractions and explaining the history behind what we were looking at. We stopped by São Bento Station, a popular lookout spot, and the Twin Churches to name a few and then stopped by a café for our lunch break. Florence and I actually didn't feel that hungry but we finished the leftover pastéis de nata she kept in her backpack.

It wasn't until 2 PM that we finished the tour which was pretty good. We were surprised at how far we walked because we could see the Clérigos Tower in the distance when the tour guide pointed it out. We thanked and tipped the tour guide for his time and went on exploring the area where our tour ended which led to another lookout not too far away. I was absolutely blown away by how beautiful Portugal was. It's got its gritty places because Porto was largely neglected under dictatorship but it was slowly healing.

The walk tired us out and we were beginning to get hungry again so we stopped by the store to grab a quick bite and then went back to our hotel to rest. I'm not one to take naps but I actually fell asleep when I laid down. Florence was on her phone, snacking on a bag of crisps, sorting through all the photos she's taken.

"Wake up, Van. Now it's my turn to be hungry."

She poked my cheek playfully and I squirmed away from her touch. When I opened my eyes, Florence was leant above me, smiling. She straightened up and sat back down on her bed.

"Well that was easy," she said.

"What time is it?" I asked, looking around frantically. It was still bright out which was a good thing.

"It's almost 5 PM so a bit early for dinner but I thought we'd walk around and see what looks good unless you know where you wanna eat?"

"I can't believe I fell asleep!" I was out for a solid two hours which is unlike me. Florence didn't seem fussed about it though.

"What's wrong with falling asleep? You were tired. Did you know you snore?" My eyes widened even more.

"No way! Larry told me it was more like heavy breathing!" Florence kept her face serious and then she started laughing.

"I was just kidding. Yeah, it's more like heavy breathing. How does Larry know?"

I opened my mouth to speak but then wondered if she'd find it strange that Larry and I have shared a bed on numerous occasions in a strictly platonic way. It's just that he's smaller than I am so we both fit in the same bed. This went way back when we'd invite each other over for drinks and to play video games; a time when we were single and didn't have many friends. We'd get too drunk to go home so we'd crash at each other's place and go home the next morning.

At first, we'd insist on sleeping on the couch but since neither of us snore, we thought why go through all that trouble and hurt our back? I'll tell ya that sleeping next to Larry is like sleeping next to a log. He's just there and doesn't move much until you roll into him. Sometimes we'd have late night drunken conversations about life and love.

I've always seen Larry as a brother. In fact, both Bondy and Larry are my brothers. Larry is more my equal while I respect Bondy a tiny bit more because his position at work has always been higher than mine. But that's not to say you can't get drunk (or high for that matter) with Bondy. You can't judge another person for their actions if you're doing the same, if you know what I mean.

"There've been times we were too drunk to go home so we'd crash at each other's place and go home the next morning. Kinda like how girls have sleepovers, it's the same for us as well," I explained.

"Oh, you work with him so I was just wondering how that works." I took a moment to think about how that may seem odd but where I work isn't your typical workplace.

"I see where you're coming from but remember that my workplace only has three employees and we manage ourselves. It's different than working for a corporation that's after profit. When you're not arsed about making money, your priorities and relationships change. Your colleagues aren't your enemy or a tool you use to move up but someone you work with and get to know."

"I remember a while back, you told me this was your dream job but you weren't happy," she stated and I paused, remembering telling her that. It surprised me how much she paid attention. I was in a dark place having seen Clara's dead body on the beach. The emotions had taken over and I said things I didn't mean. Why Florence brought that up right now confused me.

"What're you trying to say?" I asked her.

"If you had the chance to do things over again, would you have taken the job here?"

Had she asked me this the moment I confessed to her, my answer would've been no. But then I thought about the work that I do and how much it means to me. I can't imagine life without Bondy, Larry, and Florence.

"Yes," I answered, surprising myself.

Florence knew exactly what she was doing; she was keeping her promise to Clara. At first, I didn't know how to feel about it. It's been ages since I've felt this kind of love from someone else and it was different from anything I've ever felt. Most people worry about what's on the outside, whether you're eating, sleeping enough, or being taken care of. But Florence was trying to make sure I was okay on the inside. Not many people stick around trying to do that. I've even neglected myself, becoming closed off to the people around me. I always thought this was something I had to deal with on my own but here she was, showing me that I don't have to go through it myself.

I've thought about this scenario many times, wondering what would've happened if I didn't chase my dreams and what would've happened if I stayed with Clara. I'd be in Portugal (or some other country) doing God-knows-what. What job would be easy to find country to country and would Clara always want to be with her family or would we find a place to settle down?

I'd like to think that we'd be married with a family of our own. I've always wanted to get married and have kids of my own—even at a young age, and I'd like to think that I'd be a good father. But that wasn't quite what I wanted. There was no way I'd be happy. I'd always wonder what would've happened if I took the job because that's who I am. I don't like routine and stability. I prefer new experiences and challenges.

We stared at each other in silence. She knew I was thinking things through and that my decision was final. I wouldn't go back and do things differently. I'd keep things the way they are.